North Korea threatens to halt shipments of delivery men

North Korea is threatening to halt any further shipments of delivery men to the United States in response to accusations that they are carrying weapons on board a ship outside of Shanghai. Delivery men, which are North Korea's largest export, play a critical role in the dissemination of food to the American public, and any halt in the supply chain could cripple the psyche of the already downtrodden general population. It is feared that people, if not able to get their food delivered in a timely manner, will be forced to leave their couches and exit their houses. Many could stop eating altogether. Some secretly believe that the North Korean ruling regime is aware of how necessary the Korean delivery man has become to the western world, and is playing this trump card in order to keep the US from imposing any further on their nuclear aspirations. A recent poll of 100 ordering-out-Americans showed most would do "whatever it takes" to keep the flow of Korean delivery men into the United States, while only 22% said that they'd be "comfortable" accepting food from a delivery person of other origin.

Biden: "If pigs took over the world like the apes did in that movie, I still wouldn't fly to Mexico"

Joe Biden isn't backing down from his hard line stance against the swine flu, and vows to continue to not fly to Mexico even if pigs take over the world and try to "poke and prod me onto the plane with their dirty little hooves", as told to a British reporter in a recent interview. The controversial Vice President/Wedding Singer has taken much criticism from the travel industry in light of his outspoken views against air travel during the swine flu pandemic. "There are swine sneezing on planes", Biden told the incredulous reporter. "And I'm supposed to just sit there and wait for my pretzels? Forget that. I'm outta here. Do you know that for years I used to take my family to Arizona and just tell them it was Mexico? Why don't people start doing stuff like that? That's what this country needs, not great thinkers, better liars." Biden didn't seem concerned that his ramblings could get him in any hot water, and seemed hung up on the notion that somehow the flu could end with pigs ruling the world. On several occasions he referenced a "pig suit", and that "at least they won't be able to open locked doors 'cause they don't have fingers". At one point the interviewer asks Biden if he fears any repercussion from his outlandish remarks, to which he replies, "What are they going to do, socialize me?"

When asked if he felt any remorse over plagiarizing a speech from a member of the British Parliament, he would only offer that "My mistake wasn't stealing the speech. It was trying to use a British accent."

Obama offers heartfelt apology to Pig Americans

Obama extended an olive branch to what he called a "nation of grieving, downtrodden Pig Americans", calling the swine flu an unfair mischaracterization of what "pigs are all about" during his 100th day address to the media. He implored people to refer to pig's as "Pig Americans", not just pigs, because "they share in our grief and suffering." Obama offered a reminder that the swine flu would have been "handled and dealt with by those in the pig world if not for our unfortunate meddling in their business," adding, "Remember, people pet pigs. Pigs don't pet people."

He suggested that the government would do all it could to remediate the much maligned pig population through, ironically, a bill that he vowed will be "stuffed with and for pork".

Obama also suggested that Pig Americans will be included in his sweeping health care reform agenda, maintaining the position that "no American should go without healthcare--and that includes Pig Americans".

Miss Piggy denies she and Matt Lauer had anything to do with swine flu

Miss Piggy's role as the only known English speaking pig became an unenviable one this week as a shadow was cast across the swine world after a swine flu outbreak. Most shockingly, Miss Piggy recently kissed Matt Lauer on national TV, and pig-kissing is the surest way to get the swine flu. Lauer and Piggy both deny any involvement, with Lauer's people trying to justify the move by claiming Piggy "isn't a real pig". Miss Piggy's people replied to the statement in a brief email that simply read, "Matt certainly seemed to think she was real when he called her 31 times after the taping."

Most epidemic experts believe that a Mexican pig was responsible for the outbreak. They have determined this by interviewing other Mexican pigs, and they keep pointing at one pig in particular. Most epidemic experts also caution that you should take their findings with a grain of salt, because technically most epidemic experts are dead.

Craig Listkillar wishes people would stop confusing him with that other guy

Criag Listkillar would like to be able to introduce himself at a party, but these days that's not easy. "People run away, sometimes they scream. It's really frustrating," offered the 52 year old H-Vac systems installer. "I recently had to fill out a deposit slip at the bank, and the teller hit the silent alarm. The cops brought me into the station asking for a confession, and all I could explain to them was that my name doesn't mean I did anything." Of course Listkillar is happy that the real Craigslist Killer has been caught, but doesn't think the questions will stop anytime soon. "I might have to change my name," he added with a sigh. "When this is all said and done, I'm always going to get that reaction. I have to wear a name tag for my job, can you imagine how customers are going to react?" Listkillar admits that he has already changed his email address and AOL screen name.

Much maligned group that believed Jesus would return via cheese toast feeling vindication

Which leaves us with only one question: what are the signs that cheese toast is going bad?


http://www.goupstate.com/article/20090422/ARTICLES/904221068/0/sports?Title=Piece-of-cheese-toast-appears-to-feature-the-image-of-Jesus

Economists pinpoint exact moment the economy turned

It has taken months of charting, but a panel of economists seem to agree unilaterally that the economy peaked at 4:15 p.m, June 23rd, 2005, the exact moment Tom Cruise jumped on Oprah's couch. From this point forth things began to plateau and then turn downwards, eventually plunging the country into a recession. Cruise retired from couch jumping shortly after his rampage on Oprah, but still maintains that he does all his own stunts. The moment was captured on national television when Cruise stunned the audience and Oprah (seen in photo baring her teeth to fend off Cruise) by launching into what he simply called "attack mode". Cruise was promoting his love for actress Katie Holmes, and his upcoming blockbuster, War of the Worlds.

Cruise still finds himself one of Hollywood's leading actors, despite his odd behavior and Lions for Lambs.

Phil Spector found guilty of 2nd degree murder, 1st degree creepiness

Judge Larry Paul Fidler found music legend Phil Spector guilty of two charges on Monday, the initial one for the murder of actress Lana Clarkson six years ago and a second for "Overwhelming Creepiness".

The sentence could put Spector away for life, as he's expected to be handed 25 years for the 2nd degree murder charge and a second 25 years for "creeping out the judge and the entire courtroom from minute one." The sentences cannot be served concurrently, as Judge Fidler ruled that "only criminals should be exposed to this freak of a man."

Spector once seemed normal while writing such classics as "You've Lost that Loving Feeling," "Walking In The Rain," "River Deep, Mountain High," "Just Once In My Life," and "To Know Him Is To Love Him."

He declared his innocence even though the night Clarkson was murdered, Spector was found by his driver holding a gun and stating that he thought he "might have killed somebody."

The troubled legend did little but stare during the trial, prompting judge Fidler to turn his back on the courtroom several times during examination, stating "I can't look at him anymore" on each occasion.

This was the second trial for Spector for the charge of murder, the 1st rendering no verdict as the jury couldn't agree on whether or not they could even go back out and look at Spector for another five minutes. The judge in that case has been put on temporary disability, and suffers from panic attacks anytime he sees a middle aged women with curly hair.

Tom Arnold introduces Tom Arnold flavored salsa

Tom Arnold launched a nationwide tour to promote his new Tom Arnold flavored salsa on Tuesday, meeting with about 30 fans outside the Tallahassee regional airport. He described the salsa as "hilarious", adding that it's "like having six more guys at the party." The actor is said to be struggling with his finances as movie roles have dried up like old pasta in the Texas sun. The official press release from the company bottling the salsa explains that there is a "little bit of Tom in every jar, and that's what makes it so spicy!"

Bin Laden changes Facebook status to "single"

Attention ladies, the world's #1 terrorist is now hoping to become a wanted man in other ways as evidenced by the sudden change in his Facebook status from "married" to "single" on Wednesday. The shocking announcement comes at a time when the shadowy figure has been mostly obscured from the public eye thanks to a strict regiment of cave dwelling, and target practice.

The page offers a fascinating insight into this man awash in terror. For instance, in a post from Monday evening Bin Laden states, "just took advantage of Applebee's 2 for $20 meal all by myself. Too stuffed to even hate". Another entry from two weeks ago reads, "This winter is ponderous. Is March Madness here yet?" Going back into early February there are a string of commentaries that seem to indicate that he was heavily involved in NFL playoff betting. He states in two separate posts, from the Monday morning's after the NFC playoffs and Superbowl respectively, "Praise Allah for Kurt Warner and those magnificent hands of the Fitzgerald", and "Who's the infidel in charge of clock management for the Cardinals?"

His "friends" list is comprised of nearly 900 names, and most of the banter in the chat section is of the mundane variety. Some of the comments included "Hey O, thanks for the order from ribs.com", and "where you bin hiden?", and several referring to "Operation Antelope".

Bin Laden lists his favorite singers (Hasselhoff, Abdul), and suggests that he is open to seeing Bruce.

It is not known what happened to his other marriages, but until yesterday it was believed that he had as many as 4 wives and 25 children.