Olympic Thoughts

1) Johnny Weir is the cutest female American figure skater since Tonya Harding.

2) NBC didn't necessarily exploit the death of Georgian luger Nodar Kumaritashvili, but Bob Costas' impeccable pronunciation of his last name has to make one wonder if he didn't know this was coming.

3) The Biathlon contestants should be able to shoot at each other. It would up the ratings.

4) Ice + Koreans = controversy.

5) There are timeouts in Curling. That's insane. That's like me getting up in the middle of the night to go take a nap.

6) Vancouver weather seems better suited for a Fall Olympics.

7) If I was an Olympian, I would find the Slovenians particularly intimidating. However, I'd laugh at the Estonians.

8) The growing feud between the male figure skaters might lead to a good old fashioned bra-snapping fight.

9) Bob Costas is shrinking. How sad to think that one day he'll have to stand on the very chair he now sits in.

10) Dick Button has returned for a unique, in-studio perspective on the figure skating. The segment is called "Sad Old Queen".

Tom Cruise has perfected a cologne that will help with the recovery

Tom Cruise is about to change the world once again, this time with a cologne that will "curb the rising tide of destitution in America", according to a press release. The cologne, "Tom Cruise-Crazy!" is, according to Cruise, "A way out for America, a way out of this crisis. This cologne captures the essence of our crisis in a scent. To do that, I had to scrape some of the scales of an alien at the Intergalactic Annual Ball. We mixed that up with some of my sweat, a pinch of my dazzle. But it was worth it."

Cruise goes on to imply that the very scent of the cologne will bring about immediate wealth. "Crazy! will make you realize that there really is money in your wallet."

Cruise also detailed his plan for the "Great American Recovery", starting with each American spraying "liberal amounts of Crazy! all over themselves. We also ask that you gargle with it after each meal."

Tom Cruise-Crazy! will hit the shelves in time for Christmas. Insiders suggest that supplies might be limited, due mostly to the limited supply of Cruise sweat, but Tom has vowed to his team that he will produce "as much sweat as necessary," scoffing that "Thetan 7's never run out of sweat."

Book Starters

The hardest part of writing a book is the first line, according to most authors. We have eliminated the dirty work, providing you with a few opening sentences to kick start your book.

1) The Armenian had thick legs, and a brow sweat that could quench a village, but his temper was legendary. So was his potato salad.

2) People laughed at me for eating hamburgers for breakfast, but not mom. As a matter of fact, it was her idea.

3) Most people lived in this part of the world so they could enjoy the sunrise over the ocean, but not Steve. He liked watching the moonrise over the trees.

4) The ball caromed off the bat, floating aimlessly towards a small group of onlookers. Years later we would come to ask ourselves, "was it really aimless?"

5) The door flung open, revealing it's pusher.

6) We wrestled nearly thirty lemons into the small, worn satchel; ingredients necessary for Grandma Margaret's legendary picnic lemonade. And off we were! But I forgot the satchel, and was made to sleep on a bed of lemons for most of my childhood.

7) The mountains stretched beyond a vast sea of treetops. Just beyond that was where we needed to go. "We should just drive," I suggested. All agreed so we hopped in the car, me and the other rabbits.

8) Ron and Pablo were just a couple of local kids who they loved to eat liverwurst sandwiches, and play ball in the street. That's how we came to rob the Mitchell farm.

9) Bullets flew, and I began to chuckle, "because what else are they going to do?", I whispered to nobody in particular.

10) The meeting was set to adjourn at 11 a.m., and my contact would be carrying a black briefcase. He appeared at 11 a.m. as expected, but I was nowhere to be found.

11) Rain threatened, like a neighborhood bully crouching just beyond the hedges.

12) Blood was everywhere. And this wasn't the type of house where things like that went unnoticed.

John Walsh to host America's Most Wanted Hair

For years John Walsh has helped to capture some of America's most hardened criminals, and now he's ready to reveal the secret behind his amazing hair in a new FOX show set to debut in the spring. The show will be much like his long running hit, "America's Most Wanted", except that the focus will be on hair instead of criminals. For years viewers of AMW have been captivated by the subtle changes in the coif of Walsh, spawning internet banter, message boards, and cover bands ("Coif Of Walsh").

Walsh was the guest speaker last year at the National Hair Society's Symposium on Great Hair. His hair related credentials are too many to list.

Last Minute Costume Ideas

With Halloween upon us, many are scrambling for last minute costume ideas. Here are a few that will assure you Legend Status at the neighbors party.

1) Anatomically-Correct-Asian-Bear-Squirrel: The costume does all the work, it's just up to you to maintain the pose.

2) Cornucopia Of Awesomeness : Because you're NOT just another guy who loves his music and guns.

3) Walk A Mile In My Boots: Just be prepared to say "No, I'm not really him" for most of the night.

4) Silly Kitty: Our only recommendation on this one is that you forgo the hand puppet part--it's way too distracting.

5) 100% Real Man: Think William Wallace meets Spartacus.

6) Livin' The Dream: People will love it, and say things like, "The two of you are up to no good!"

7) We Know It's You, Steve: If you have a dog, send him as you. They'll never know.

Jon Gosselin, go ahead and prepare your speech for your induction into the Reality TV Hall of Fame

A nation shocked and depressed over the impending end of Jon & Kate + Eight now has something to hang it's hat on. This move firmly places Jon Gosselin in the rarified category of "people I'd most like to see pecked to death by a ferocious hen".

Harvesting virtual raspberries all the rage

For people who like to get their hands dirty without getting their hands dirty, this has become an obsession.

Where's Brian Boitano when you need him?

There are several questions here, mainly, how good can a hockey team be if it's comprised entirely of ice skating bears, how wacky are those Russians, and where do you find ice skates that fit a bear?

Steve Phillips admits to affair with Pearl Jam frontman Eddie Vedder

Steve Phillips, an analyst for ESPN's Baseball Tonight, has admitted to having an affair with Pearl Jam lead singer Eddie Vedder after Vedder apparently hand delivered a letter detailing the relationship to Phillips' wife. The news is shocking to both the rock community and the world of sports, where Phillips has established a reputation as one who won't let his job get in the way of his womanizing. It is not immediately know if Phillips plans to leave his wife and family for Vedder. Vedder was unavailable for comment, but the revelation does shed some light on the singers new solo album, titled "Steve".

The scary truth: There's too much confetti in the world

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