- Replace "corroborating witnesses available at judges discretion" with "references available upon request".
- Tape a piece of your cat's hair to the resume, and write in what it is in pen with an arrow. This will not only show your creative side, but also that you're an animal lover.
- When you list the duration of your previous jobs, do it in hours. It's way more impressive.
- Put down that you have experience handling wine-drinking, angry chimpanzees. In this day and age, companies are looking for this.
- "To Kill in less than three seconds" is definitely an objective, but it might be one you keep off the paper for now.
- Claim that you insist on parachuting into every sales call, at your own expense.
- Understand that the reader is probably bored. Feel free to end sentences with "Blah, blah, blah", or "whatever, you get the idea".
- Add mystery by using pen to cross out random words.
- Use ketchup to leave what appears to be a bloody fingerprint next to the part of your job history that details your "time in the jungle".
- Put a positive spin on everything. If you've been beaten up in a bar, put "Recipient of the Fist Award for Softest Face".
- If you list your goals, obviously include "President of the United States".
- List your birth and infancy as work experience. It was difficult, take credit for it.
- Make sure you present yourself as a team player. Include things like "Always honest, unless my boss asks me not to be", or "Knows when to shut up", or "Won't dive out a window when the FEDS are knocking down the door".
- Personalize things by including a picture of yourself doing something menial but looking really happy.
- List several Disney characters as references. After all, who doesn't want to hire somebody that knows Cinderella?
Thursday, March 12, 2009
A healthy resume the key to success
The job market is tough, and it's time to spruce up your resume in order to create a memorable experience for the reader. Remember, in a sea of faceless faces it's critical that you stand out. Here are some tips on how to do so:
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5 comments:
Worried about a work history and habits that are less than flawless? No need!
Go with:
--I prioritize close collaboration with colleagues.
Instead of:
--I touch my coworkers. A lot.
Go with:
--I am dedicated to teamwork.
Instead of:
--I am dedicated to letting my team do the work.
Go with:
--I have outstanding communication and facilitation capabilities.
Instead of:
--I stand out as a gabby, manipulative weasel.
Go with:
--Experienced event planner
Instead of:
--Aging party girl
Go with:
--Extensive expertise with state-of-the-art nasal excavation technologies.
Instead of:
--I pick my nose. Always have, always will.
Go with:
--Effective management techniques that ensure staff meet goals.
Instead of:
--I eat paste.
Go with:
--Effective management techniques that ensure staff meet goals.
Instead of:
--Got fired from last three jobs for using lady's room; I am not a lady.
Go with:
--Effective management techniques that ensure staff meet goals.
Instead of:
--They could not prove I stole that money.
I do well in public settings instead of:
I live to make it on the Jumbo-tron
Right ON, Ron.
Nice use of bullets.
Instead of "nice use of bullets," use "able to effectively deal with the competition."
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