HOROSCOPES

Aries- Your outspoken campaign against movie theater butter will be cause for great irony this week when you find yourself having to swim through almost a mile of it to reach dry land.

Taurus- You speak often of moving to a different part of the country, and will finally take action this week, even if it's involuntary due to your belt buckle getting caught on the bumper of an 18 wheeler bound for California.

Gemini- Though you don't know it, you're script has fallen into the hands of actual assassins who speak little English and read even less, so yes, you will indirectly be responsible for the birthday-party-clown hostage situation at a YMCA in downtown San Diego, but in real life Steven Segal won't be there to bail you out.

Cancer- You like to joke around that your the "last one they should ask" about the economy, but as it turns out they've asked everybody else, so the floor is yours.

Leo- Your love of horses will finally supersede your ability to think logically this week when you decide to rob a bank but forgo a getaway car for an elderly Clydesdale.

Virgo- By this time next week you'll have replaced President Obama as the most recognized man in America, as every man, woman and child will be searching for you with picks and torches.

Libra- You will be called to testify before the House Ways and Means Committee this week, which will go as expected until the Senator from Wisconsin asks a well crafted question that exposes you as knowing nothing on either Ways or Means.

Scorpio- Your friends have always told you that people rip off your ideas because imitation is the greatest form of flattery, which has comforted you until this week when you are introduced for the first time to imitation crab meat.

Sagittarius- Just a little tip for next time: If you need to imagine your audience naked in order to calm down that's fine, but we'd suggest that you yourself wear more than socks.

Capricorn- The only thing standing between you and the new iPhone is a lack of money, no job, a floundering economy in the midst of a recession, your wife and three mall security guards. We say go for it.

Aquarius- Your theory that a good enough dancer can actually alter the beat of the music will be proven completely and unequivocally wrong this week, and unfortunately it will be in front of millions of people and it won't be pretty.

Pisces- Your love for camping will become your legacy, if you want to consider being called the "Campground Killer" a legacy.