Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Tom Cruise has perfected a cologne that will help with the recovery

Tom Cruise is about to change the world once again, this time with a cologne that will "curb the rising tide of destitution in America", according to a press release. The cologne, "Tom Cruise-Crazy!" is, according to Cruise, "A way out for America, a way out of this crisis. This cologne captures the essence of our crisis in a scent. To do that, I had to scrape some of the scales of an alien at the Intergalactic Annual Ball. We mixed that up with some of my sweat, a pinch of my dazzle. But it was worth it."
Cruise goes on to imply that the very scent of the cologne will bring about immediate wealth. "Crazy! will make you realize that there really is money in your wallet."
Cruise also detailed his plan for the "Great American Recovery", starting with each American spraying "liberal amounts of Crazy! all over themselves. We also ask that you gargle with it after each meal."
Tom Cruise-Crazy! will hit the shelves in time for Christmas. Insiders suggest that supplies might be limited, due mostly to the limited supply of Cruise sweat, but Tom has vowed to his team that he will produce "as much sweat as necessary," scoffing that "Thetan 7's never run out of sweat."

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Book Starters

The hardest part of writing a book is the first line, according to most authors. We have eliminated the dirty work, providing you with a few opening sentences to kick start your book.

1) The Armenian had thick legs, and a brow sweat that could quench a village, but his temper was legendary. So was his potato salad.

2) People laughed at me for eating hamburgers for breakfast, but not mom. As a matter of fact, it was her idea.

3) Most people lived in this part of the world so they could enjoy the sunrise over the ocean, but not Steve. He liked watching the moonrise over the trees.

4) The ball caromed off the bat, floating aimlessly towards a small group of onlookers. Years later we would come to ask ourselves, "was it really aimless?"

5) The door flung open, revealing it's pusher.

6) We wrestled nearly thirty lemons into the small, worn satchel; ingredients necessary for Grandma Margaret's legendary picnic lemonade. And off we were! But I forgot the satchel, and was made to sleep on a bed of lemons for most of my childhood.

7) The mountains stretched beyond a vast sea of treetops. Just beyond that was where we needed to go. "We should just drive," I suggested. All agreed so we hopped in the car, me and the other rabbits.

8) Ron and Pablo were just a couple of local kids who they loved to eat liverwurst sandwiches, and play ball in the street. That's how we came to rob the Mitchell farm.

9) Bullets flew, and I began to chuckle, "because what else are they going to do?", I whispered to nobody in particular.

10) The meeting was set to adjourn at 11 a.m., and my contact would be carrying a black briefcase. He appeared at 11 a.m. as expected, but I was nowhere to be found.

11) Rain threatened, like a neighborhood bully crouching just beyond the hedges.

12) Blood was everywhere. And this wasn't the type of house where things like that went unnoticed.