Thursday, October 29, 2009

Last Minute Costume Ideas

With Halloween upon us, many are scrambling for last minute costume ideas. Here are a few that will assure you Legend Status at the neighbors party.

1) Anatomically-Correct-Asian-Bear-Squirrel: The costume does all the work, it's just up to you to maintain the pose.

2) Cornucopia Of Awesomeness : Because you're NOT just another guy who loves his music and guns.

3) Walk A Mile In My Boots: Just be prepared to say "No, I'm not really him" for most of the night.

4) Silly Kitty: Our only recommendation on this one is that you forgo the hand puppet part--it's way too distracting.

5) 100% Real Man: Think William Wallace meets Spartacus.

6) Livin' The Dream: People will love it, and say things like, "The two of you are up to no good!"

7) We Know It's You, Steve: If you have a dog, send him as you. They'll never know.

Jon Gosselin, go ahead and prepare your speech for your induction into the Reality TV Hall of Fame

A nation shocked and depressed over the impending end of Jon & Kate + Eight now has something to hang it's hat on. This move firmly places Jon Gosselin in the rarified category of "people I'd most like to see pecked to death by a ferocious hen".

Harvesting virtual raspberries all the rage

For people who like to get their hands dirty without getting their hands dirty, this has become an obsession.

Friday, October 23, 2009

Steve Phillips admits to affair with Pearl Jam frontman Eddie Vedder

Steve Phillips, an analyst for ESPN's Baseball Tonight, has admitted to having an affair with Pearl Jam lead singer Eddie Vedder after Vedder apparently hand delivered a letter detailing the relationship to Phillips' wife. The news is shocking to both the rock community and the world of sports, where Phillips has established a reputation as one who won't let his job get in the way of his womanizing. It is not immediately know if Phillips plans to leave his wife and family for Vedder. Vedder was unavailable for comment, but the revelation does shed some light on the singers new solo album, titled "Steve".

The scary truth: There's too much confetti in the world

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Obama: "I totally swear this is the last bailout"

President Obama has decided to bail out the banks one more time, as it seems most of them spent the initial bailout money in ways other than it was intended (this is how most of it was spent), but he promises that this is "the last time, even though I said that the other time." It seems greedy banking executives immediately went about burning up the cash supplied by the government on lavish parties, at least one of which involved renting the entire state of Louisiana, serving "Shredded Cash Salad", and handing out ridiculous parting gifts. Main Street has been critical of Wall Street for just such excesses, and it seems the message has not gotten through-though that has little impact on Obama, who aides secretly say is "obsessed with printing money-literally. He spends most of his days in the basement of the Federal Reserve just playing with the printing presses, like a little kid."

Recession taking extra heavy toll on birthday party clown industry

These are hard times for sad clowns, and happy ones as well. The recession has caused cutbacks in frivolous spending, resulting in a dire situation for the clown population, one that could result in the extinction of clowns from the earth according to Richard Snowberg, acting President of the World Clown Association . The WCA has seen membership drop from 77,000 during the mad clown rush in the mid 1980's to only 19 active members as of July, 2009. "That's 19 clowns left," declared Snowberg as he honked a horn. "It used to be that there was a clown on every block. Everybody knew a clown, so naturally you'd give your clown buddy a call whenever your kids birthday came around. Not anymore," sighed Snowberg. "Now there's nineteen clowns in the whole World. It's clear nobody needs us anymore. It's been a good run."
Birthday party experts agree that the hiring of a clown is a rarity these days, as just about anything would be more enjoyable. "There's a creepy element to having a grown man wearing a flamboyant disguise and playing with your children", was a common theme during focus groups held by the WCA.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Landing a Reality TV Show: How to go about getting national attention for your big idea

Alright, so you're sitting on the next big idea, but you don't quite know how to attract the right people. If we've learned anything from Balloon Boy and his father, Richard Heene, it's that pretending to expose your children to extreme, life threatening situations is a sure-fire way to secure a Network presence in your front yard. Here are some other ideas, and remember, if you have children, you're already on your way to stardom!

  • Alligator Boy Simply purchase a large, adult male alligator and force feed him a mannequin that's roughly the size of your son. Feign despair, call the authorities, hide the real boy in a makeshift bunker, and sit back and watch the offers come flying in.
  • Cement Mixer Girl Got a daughter and a driveway in need of repair? Let's merge the two concepts, and rest assured-you are just a series of frantic phone calls away from a one-on-one with Wolf Blitzer!
  • Mineshaft/Well Boy This is a tried and true, good old fashioned gut wrencher, and the appeal is in the simplicity: just find an abandoned mineshaft or well, hide your child in a secure location (like a car trunk or lockable crate), and start screaming!
  • High-Speed-Chase Boy This one can get dangerous, but danger+baby=ratings! The larger the vehicle the better; a school bus is ideal. Hire a midget, dress him in your little boys' clothes, and send him careening the wrong way down the interstate!

Hypocrisy in America: We all would have claimed our child was in a homemade hot air balloon to get a reality TV show, if only we'd thought of it first

Authorities now believe that Richard Heene used his six year old son, Balloon Boy, in an elaborate stunt in an attempt to attract attention for his reality TV show, and a hypocritical America is feigning disgust even though any one of us would have done the exact same thing. Larimer County Sheriff, James Alderden, is planning on filing charges after suspicions grew about the veracity of the Heene's claim that they thought their son was in a homemade weather balloon that flew haphazardly at several thousands feet last week, riveting a clearly bored nation. "We now believe this to be a hoax," announced Alderden in his now daily press briefing. "We believe that it's no coincidence that the child's name is Balloon Boy, and that this involved a balloon. What are the chances that a boy actually named 'Balloon Boy' would accidentally get stuck in a balloon? We think nil."

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Obama awarded Heisman Trophy after spirited play session with Bo the dog

President Obama has followed up his incredible, surprise win of the Nobel Peace Prize with a Heisman Trophy, the White House has said, after several members of the press were "blown away" by his moves on the White House lawn during a casual game of fetch with Bo, the family dog. A voter for the Trophy, usually awarded to the best college football player in the country, said "Obama is clearly the best football player in the country. That dog is really agile, but he couldn't get the ball from the President."

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

CIT Group CEO Jeffrey Peek announces he'll step down after successfully destroying company

Jeffrey Peek, CEO of CIT Group, has announced that he feels that he's "done all I can do" to ruin CIT and will step down at the end of the year. Peek added, "I am proud to say that I took the company stock from $60 bucks to .80 cents in just a few short years."

Peek was hired in 2003, and, by his own account, immediately set about untangling the successes that CIT had enjoyed as the nations leading small and mid-size business lender. Peek admits that he was better at ruining the business than even he had hoped. "At this point, my work is done. If you saw the movie Titanic, the captain stays on at the end but he's not driving the ship. I'm not doing anything anymore, I've set a course for utter failure and it's full steam ahead!" Peek went on to clarify that he simply doesn't see anything else he can do "save for stealing stuff from the copy room." Peek was asked if he realized that his responsibility was to make the company successful and profitable, to which he replied, "Any idiot can do that."

Monday, October 12, 2009

Alex Rodriguez attributes his post season success to Alex Rodriguez

Alex Rodriguez would be the first to admit that he's probably the best looking guy he knows. And most Yankee fans agree that he's too good looking for his own good, but have always had a contentious view of the 3rd baseman because of his inability to perform when it counts: the playoffs. This year, however, Rodriguez seems to have shaken off that stigma by leading his team to a three game sweep of the Minnesota Twins, and if you ask Rodriguez, he'll tell you what's different. "I totally love myself. It's all about me, and once I realized that, I was able to relax and hit the ball. I told myself, 'look, you're probably the best looking guy on the planet, even the ball is probably jealous of you'."
Rodriguez also shed his pre-game routine of hitting batting practice and fielding ground balls for two hours of "Alex Time", during which he stares longingly into a floor to ceiling mirror (pictured). Rodriguez explains his odd new approach with extreme candidness, saying that "If you are in the presence of the most gorgeous thing on earth, do you walk away from it and go catch ground balls, or do you stare at it? I choose to stare at it."

Jets quarterback adjusting to speed of NFL game, being best looking guy on team by far

For Mark Sanchez, the heralded rookie quarterback of the Jets, the two biggest obstacles of the early season have been adjusting to the speed of the NFL game, and being way better looking than any of his teammates. "I can't believe how fast the defenses are," offered Sanchez before a recent practice. "Or how good looking I am".
By his own account, however, it shouldn't be hard for Sanchez to overcome being so good looking. "It's been this way since high school. I've always been the best looking guy on the team. I wondered when I got drafted, will I still be the best looking? Will I be able to adjust to the defenses? Well, the defenses are taking some getting used to, but in the looks department it's not even close."
Sanchez and the Jets travel to Miami this weekend, where the Jets hope to win against a division rival. Sanchez plans to build on his experience thus far, and plans to pose a lot on the sidelines. "It's part of the game--my game, anyway."

Thursday, October 8, 2009

Study shows that 7 out of 10 Americans disagree with 3 out of 10 Americans

A Marist College poll has shockingly revealed that 7 out of 10 Americans disagree with 3 out of 10 Americans, confirming that there is indeed a riff. The poll offered little in the way of specifics, but did point out an alarming trend: Some Americans do indeed disagree with others. "While 7 out of every 10 people asked did agree, there were in fact 3 that did not agree," offered Hal Stickel, a poller for the College. "This confirms our suspicions, but it is our nature to be suspicious here at Marist College."

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Overcrowding at local emergency rooms due in large part to Fantasy Football injuries

Emergency room doctors are seeing a rapid rise in the number of Fantasy Football injuries this year, and many are worried that their waiting rooms could remain full until January. The most common visits have been for "trigger finger" and "free agent fever", with many also suffering from dizziness over tie-breaker scenarios. Most of the physical injuries have been bumps and scrapes, usually the result of altercations stemming from taunting about draft mistakes or failed predictions.

Monday, October 5, 2009

Local inventor wins 1st prize at golf invitational

Mike Mead, inventor of the Clam Wedge and the Mental Hat, has been awarded the trophy at the annual Dick Elliott Invitational. Mead, who burst onto the scene with his Clam Wedge, a golf club guaranteed to save a stroke on any ball played off a bed of clams, won the award due to his adherence to the tenets of the Invitational, namely Integrity, Commitment and Action. Mead is also the founder of the Dick Elliott Invitational, a golf trip held annually to celebrate political lawn signage. Mead was not available for comment, and a call to the DEI executive offices resulted in a message that simply said "Please press 1 to order the Clam Wedge, please press 2 if you want to hear me counting the seconds to the next DEI in real time."
However, a statement on Mead's Facebook page said that "I am enjoying my time with the trophy, and trying to relax after an exhausting few weeks. I really appreciate my fans and all they've done to get me to this point, but right now I just want to be alone with my family and this amazing trophy."

Mets Owner Fred Wilpon insists Madoff losses didn't effect team, will wrestle bear for $100

Fred Wilpon may be in denial, but he remains adamant that his purported 500 million dollar loss at the hands of Bernie Madoff has had no effect on his finances, or the daily operation of his Mets franchise. "I am not going to let that incident effect how we build our team going forward", Wilpon told reporters as his team wrapped up their season. "And I will wrestle a bear for $100, should anybody have a bear." Wilpon also was overheard asking a fan for "at least $15" to pose for a picture.
It has become a common belief amongst Mets fans that the team suffered this year because, after a rash of injuries, Mets management was reluctant to spend money on replacements. The Mets actually finished the year with a sheep playing left field and a Honduran day laborer playing shortstop. "Was the sheep a bad idea?" Wilpon asked rhetorically, "Maybe. But Manuel did a great job at shortstop, and we're pleased to say that he'll be joining our grounds crew for next season. "

NY Mets players still holding onto beards despite never reaching goal of mediocrity

The Mets season has finished, and some of their players are having a hard time letting go of their promise not to shave until they reach .500. After finishing with a record of 70-92, several of the players finally admitted that they "probably" wouldn't be reaching their goal of perfect mediocrity. "We really wanted to be average", offered right fielder Jeff Francoeur. "We don't show up to finish 22 games under .500, we want to be .500. That's why the beards are so hard to let go. We held out hope that our dream of averageness was in reach, but apparently not. It's very disappointing."
David Wright, the Mets All Star 3rd baseman, won't shave until the Mets have gotten back to being a middle of the road team. "Finishing near the bottom of the division is not acceptable. We all strive to be in the middle of the division. This is not fair to our fans, they pay good money to watch us win a game and then lose a game, not lose two or three for each win. "