Friday, February 27, 2009

Gentleman from Wisconsin can't seem to accept Ben Bernanke's beard for what it is: perfect

Ben Bernanke's beard, a complicated financial instrument unto itself, was the topic of a spirited back-and-forth between the FED Chairman and Mr. Ryan, the gentleman from Wisconsin. As the chairman made his semi-annual address before the House, he was peppered with questions on fiscal matters until Mr. Ryan changed the topic to facial hair. "How can a man so much on his plate
find the time to keep such a perfect beard?"
Bernanke responded by blushing and stroking his indomitable chin-mane, before quipping, "It's a gift".
The ranking committee member seemed unsatisfied, posing the follow up, "This is no joke, Mr. Bernanke. How do you explain a flawed financial system in the hands of a man with a perfect beard? The American public is demanding answers! Are you spending all your time grooming your face when you should be fixing this problem?"
Bernanke remained calm, but added authoritatively "The style of beard I wear is called the Chuck Norris Level III Imperial. It takes remarkably little maintenance. " The chairman went on to suggest that his "face forest" is an escape from the rigors of his difficult work schedule.

Desperate Geraldo tries to apply natural disaster type adjectives to economy

The economy has taken center stage over the past six months, leaving Geraldo Rivera with little to talk about. Because his specialty in front line reporting on real life disasters, such as wars and hurricanes, has little relevance in today's tough economic climate, the mustached mega-star has tried with little success to use terms such as "ferocious" and "dastardly" in forum discussions on the economy, but has sounded out of place. The breaking point came on a recent airing of Hannity, during which host Sean Hannity posed the question, "Do you disagree that Obama and the devil have never been seen together?" Geraldo, wearing a bullet proof jacket even though the taping was in studio, responded by saying, "Never take a job where winter winds can blow up your pants".

FOX now has placed Geraldo on 24 hour hurricane watch, with his sole responsibility being constant moderation of the earths geological situation. "We are hoping for a natural disaster. We'll take some tectonic plate shifting at this point", offered one FOX executive. Geraldo, to his credit, has used all the right adjectives when reporting from the front lines of America's toughest situations. He has taken gunfire in war zones from Bosnia ("direful", "noxious") to Iraq ("prickly", "woebegone"), and been swept off his feet by hurricanes close enough to threaten the integrity of his mustache. He once said of Hurricane Katrina, "there is a macabre offishness about this sweltering, grouchy town, hulking largely in its' murky shadows".

Monday, February 23, 2009

Bush on economy: "When life hands you lemmings, you gotta make lemmingade"

Former President George Bush made his first public comments on the economy since leaving office in January, when he appeared uninvited on the set of an Anderson Cooper town hall forum on Anderson Cooper.
Bush, who is widely credited with destroying the economy and way of life for most in the U.S. and the world at large, appeared unfazed by his ironclad legacy. He laughed off criticism with answers that made little or no sense, responding to questions on the financial conditions with answers like "This thaw -- took a while to thaw, it's going to take a while to unthaw", and "I think it was in the Rose Garden where I issued this brilliant statement: If I had a magic wand -- but the president doesn't have a magic wand. You just can't say, 'low gas.'"
Cooper, who had intended to devote the entire hour to having a CNN panel of experts break down his greatness, eventually thanked the President for his time and invited him to remain in the studio audience through the final two segments: "Anderson Cooper, the Pants", and "Anderson Cooper, Hilarious Moments".

Sunday, February 22, 2009

White House provides tips on how to handle recession

The White House is warning people not to be intimidated by the recession, and has issued a series of tips on how to deal with the recession if it effects you. First, the White House suggests that, if you see the recession approaching, you should act "big", and make lots of noise. "Bang pots and pans together or yell loudly, but don't run under any circumstances", the White House says, "because the recession is faster than you and will catch you and eat you." The White House also suggests that people stay out of recession heavy areas, such as the woods and most of Nevada.
If the recession catches you, the best defense is to cover your face with your forearms and feign death.

China agrees to fund U.S. stimulus in exchange for LeBron

China has agreed to buy short-term treasuries in order to help fund the 800 billion dollar stimulus package in exchange for LeBron James, according to published reports. The hoops crazed Chinese made their request after lengthy negotiations, during which the US attempted several lesser packages, including one that would involve a third country and could have sent Shaquille O'Neal to Istanbul. The Chinese, however, were firm in their request and demanded that only the burgeoning superstar would suffice. It is rumored that the Chinese intend to demand that LeBron adheres to a strict schedule of basketball and "making many little Asian LeBron's" in order to better the athleticism of the Chinese national program for years to come.

Monday, February 16, 2009

Joe Biden primetime action drama in works

Joe Biden has been lurking in the shadows so far, as the Obama administration has had to deal with actual issues, but now it has been revealed that he has signed on with FOX to star in an action drama titled "Miami Vice President" that will begin airing on Thursday nights in the spring.

In the show Biden will play a role based on James "Sonny" Crockett, the character Don Johnson made famous in the mid-80's for his cool demeanor, white jacket and t-shirt attire, and lack of perspiration even under the glaring Miami sun. Viewers are to believe that the Vice President works the political scene during the day and then takes his 52 foot Scarab to Miami each evening to fight evil.

It has not been revealed if Biden will take on a partner for the first season, but insiders believe it would be best if he did in order to highlight his incredible ability to lead.

One logistical issue is that producers want to avoid the power of suggestion that comes with being Joe Biden, as recent polls indicate that nearly 88% of Americans want to be Joe Biden, and therefore don't feel it's appropriate to arm him with a handgun. Initial scripts had the Vice President warding off criminals with clever insults, but test audiences were having a hard time finding this "believable". It is now rumored that Biden will take down the bad guys by hurling metal garbage can lids and subdue them with an American flag pin.
Another concern for producers was getting viewers to believe the shows opening, which implies that Biden has made the 1,373 mile boat ride from D.C. to Miami in only three minutes. It seems they have, as early reports rave about the eye-catching imagery of Biden morphing from politician to shirtless vigilante backed by a pulse pounding rendition of Genesis' "Land of Confusion" .

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Congress grills eight bank CEOs over use of bailout funds

The CEOs of most of the major banks were handed a terrible fate on Wednesday, as they were unceremoniously marinated, seasoned and grilled on a Whole Hog Country Smoker, moments after committee head Barney Frank said he would "take great delight in suckling the meat off your bones on behalf of the investment public."
The mass grilling was shocking turnabout, as the CEOs were initially expected to be the subject of harsh criticism at worst. However, many suspected that more was happening when the CEOs had to spend the morning session sitting in giant vats of A-1 Sauce. When the afternoon session reconvened the CEOs were made to walk through a giant sifter that doused them with a mix of salt, black pepper, oregano and thyme. Each CEO was grilled for about 25 minutes per side before being served to an audience of congressional aides and staffers.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009


Aries- Your outspoken campaign against movie theater butter will be cause for great irony this week when you find yourself having to swim through almost a mile of it to reach dry land.

Taurus- You speak often of moving to a different part of the country, and will finally take action this week, even if it's involuntary due to your belt buckle getting caught on the bumper of an 18 wheeler bound for California.

Gemini- Though you don't know it, you're script has fallen into the hands of actual assassins who speak little English and read even less, so yes, you will indirectly be responsible for the birthday-party-clown hostage situation at a YMCA in downtown San Diego, but in real life Steven Segal won't be there to bail you out.

Cancer- You like to joke around that your the "last one they should ask" about the economy, but as it turns out they've asked everybody else, so the floor is yours.

Leo- Your love of horses will finally supersede your ability to think logically this week when you decide to rob a bank but forgo a getaway car for an elderly Clydesdale.

Virgo- By this time next week you'll have replaced President Obama as the most recognized man in America, as every man, woman and child will be searching for you with picks and torches.

Libra- You will be called to testify before the House Ways and Means Committee this week, which will go as expected until the Senator from Wisconsin asks a well crafted question that exposes you as knowing nothing on either Ways or Means.

Scorpio- Your friends have always told you that people rip off your ideas because imitation is the greatest form of flattery, which has comforted you until this week when you are introduced for the first time to imitation crab meat.

Sagittarius- Just a little tip for next time: If you need to imagine your audience naked in order to calm down that's fine, but we'd suggest that you yourself wear more than socks.

Capricorn- The only thing standing between you and the new iPhone is a lack of money, no job, a floundering economy in the midst of a recession, your wife and three mall security guards. We say go for it.

Aquarius- Your theory that a good enough dancer can actually alter the beat of the music will be proven completely and unequivocally wrong this week, and unfortunately it will be in front of millions of people and it won't be pretty.

Pisces- Your love for camping will become your legacy, if you want to consider being called the "Campground Killer" a legacy.

Obama introduces "Stimulus Bill", economic mascot

President Obama unveiled a mascot for the new economic plan, appropriately nicknamed "Stimulus Bill", in what critics are calling a "slap in the face of educated America". The President suggested that Stimulus Bill will appear around the country, at banks, malls and other places of commerce "actively urging the American public to spend their money as fast as possible."

The character, as seen in this photo which accompanied the official White House press release on the subject, will be the "face of the new American economy", according to the President. Sceptics are calling it a gimmick.
Stimulus Bill is set to make his first public appearance at the Mall of America in Minneapolis sometime next week, and will be appearing in the background at every upcoming Stimulus related press conference. He will report directly to Tim Geithner, Secretary of the Treasury.

Thursday, February 5, 2009

Furious Yankee Fans Spend Their Last $22 On Joe Torre's Tell-All Book

Greg LaVerde has no job, no way to pay his rent and a pending late charge on most of his utility bills. Yet yesterday he awoke at 4 a.m. to be one of the first on line at the Barnes & Noble in Huntington, Long Island, clutching firmly in his hand his last $22. "The book is $21.95", said the 31 year old former kick-boxing instructor. "I hope there isn't any tax", he added.

LaVerde was one of hundreds that spent most of their day holding onto the faint hope that they'd get to Torre in the one hour he would actually be at the store signing copies of "The Yankee Years", a tell-all with scalding commentary on the likes of Yankee G.M. Brian Cashman, and All-Star Alex Rodriguez. In the book Torre implies that A-Rod is madly in love with Derek Jeter and purposely tries to run into him when they're both chasing pop-ups.
Torre also reveals that slugger Jason Giambi is "as dumb as you think, and then some", and that Cashman was "usually drunk".

Torre also adds that outfielder Johnny Damon "throws like a young girl from another country", and is "just as good an outfielder as Mickey Mantle--that's Mickey Mantle now!"

Yankee fans are unilaterally disappointed and annoyed at Torre for his attack on his former team, and are showing their anger by forking over millions of dollars on his book. "There is no better way to let Joe know that he's classless than to buy his book and read it", added Bill Callahan, a lifelong Yankee fan. "I think he's a bum and I'm going to show him how I feel by giving him the money I was going to use to buy my kids dinner."

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Recession Due To Poor Economy: Study

The results of a much anticipated 30 million dollar study that took six months and included nearly 200,000 surveys have been released. The findings, which were detailed in a press release late Tuesday, points to a poor economy as the fundamental cause of the recession. The conclusion is based on money playing a key role in spending, and a lack of spending playing a key role in the recession. The recession, which most agree is due to a shortage of money, would not be occurring if the economy was healthy and thriving. The study also found that businesses are not doing well. This, they add, ties into the lack of spending, the shortage of money and the poor economy in general.

Monday, February 2, 2009

Obama Still Has Done Less In 13 Days Than Bush Did In 8 Years

Former President Bush likes to tell people that he accomplished "10 things" while in the White House over the past 8 years, but in reality he is officially credited with doing 7 things. Obama, despite working around the clock, has only managed to accomplish 5 things thus far, according to White House spokesman Scott McClellan, despite most of 13 days to get more done.

"The President plans to do a lot more things, things of all different variety. Things that his predecessor didn't dare", offered McClellan in his morning briefing. When pressed on what types of things specifically the President was planning on doing, McClellan became dodgy and elusive, at one point ducking behind the podium and pretending to be fighting off an angry dog.

Bush is famous for crediting himself with things he had nothing to do with, and still seems to be in denial about the real number of things he did have a hand in. "I did 10 things, plain and simple", Bush said in November in a sit down with Matt Lauer. "Remember that thing over in Turkey? That was me." Bush added.