Friday, March 2, 2012

Study shows that most Asian economic majors at Harvard are planning NBA careers

Linsanity has taken the nation by storm, but a study has shown that Jeremy Lin is just one of thousands of Asians who have decided to attend Harvard and major in economics as a stepping stone to NBA greatness. When asked why they would go this route, most of those involved in the study said that the NBA was easy money, and an "easy path through the Harvard school of Economics" allows for extra free time to practice basketball. "Let's face it," one young man said, "This isn't pre-med."

Harvard is not shying away from its role in the explosion of coverage of Lin. A school spokesman refused a request for an interview, but did add that "Harvard has always seen itself as the pipeline for Asian point guard economic majors to get to the NBA, and Jeremy is the manifestation of what we have long believed."

Monday, February 27, 2012

Yankees Cashman seen tapping excess fluid off syringe before private meeting with A-Rod

Brian Cashman has approached Alex Rodriguez about going back on steroids as well as dropping to 6th in the batting order. In a bold face-to-face that was preceded by what various eyewitnesses describe as a "calculated" Cashman slowly tapping excess clear fluid off the top of a syringe, the Yankees G.M. has asked the much maligned superstar to take one last stab at the big time. Cashman was reportedly armed with nearly 60 cc's of Medarol.

The Yankees have become tired of A-Rod's constant complaints about hip problems, which seem to frequently coincide with oft-impromptu belly dance routines on team flights.
Adding to the combustibility of the situation is Cashman's erratic behavior over the last 18 months, calling into question the possibility that he is trying to get fired. He recently posted an odd series of photos on his public Facebook page of him dressed in a donkey costume while sitting on 3rd base at a dimly lit Yankee Stadium. Another post simply stated: "I bet Mantle didn't give a sh!t".

Some think the Yankees have overpaid for A-Rod, as the total dollar figure tied to his contract makes his net worth as a GDP fall right in between that of Bolivia and Paraguay.

The Yankees still owe A-Rod some 140 million dollars, 13,245 goats, the Island of Kiribati, the hearts of seven (7) Yeti, a minimum of 12 hours of unseen Charlie Chaplin footage and a lifetime supply of mimes trained exclusively at the Marcel Marceau School of Mimes.

Some suggest that such a contract could be untradeable.

The Yankees are calling the effort "Operation Cousin Yuri". A-Rod did not answer reporters questions about the offer from Cashman, but was seen running through a fence shortly after practice.