Friday, March 2, 2012

Study shows that most Asian economic majors at Harvard are planning NBA careers

Linsanity has taken the nation by storm, but a study has shown that Jeremy Lin is just one of thousands of Asians who have decided to attend Harvard and major in economics as a stepping stone to NBA greatness. When asked why they would go this route, most of those involved in the study said that the NBA was easy money, and an "easy path through the Harvard school of Economics" allows for extra free time to practice basketball. "Let's face it," one young man said, "This isn't pre-med."

Harvard is not shying away from its role in the explosion of coverage of Lin. A school spokesman refused a request for an interview, but did add that "Harvard has always seen itself as the pipeline for Asian point guard economic majors to get to the NBA, and Jeremy is the manifestation of what we have long believed."

Monday, February 27, 2012

Yankees Cashman seen tapping excess fluid off syringe before private meeting with A-Rod

Brian Cashman has approached Alex Rodriguez about going back on steroids as well as dropping to 6th in the batting order. In a bold face-to-face that was preceded by what various eyewitnesses describe as a "calculated" Cashman slowly tapping excess clear fluid off the top of a syringe, the Yankees G.M. has asked the much maligned superstar to take one last stab at the big time. Cashman was reportedly armed with nearly 60 cc's of Medarol.

The Yankees have become tired of A-Rod's constant complaints about hip problems, which seem to frequently coincide with oft-impromptu belly dance routines on team flights.
Adding to the combustibility of the situation is Cashman's erratic behavior over the last 18 months, calling into question the possibility that he is trying to get fired. He recently posted an odd series of photos on his public Facebook page of him dressed in a donkey costume while sitting on 3rd base at a dimly lit Yankee Stadium. Another post simply stated: "I bet Mantle didn't give a sh!t".

Some think the Yankees have overpaid for A-Rod, as the total dollar figure tied to his contract makes his net worth as a GDP fall right in between that of Bolivia and Paraguay.

The Yankees still owe A-Rod some 140 million dollars, 13,245 goats, the Island of Kiribati, the hearts of seven (7) Yeti, a minimum of 12 hours of unseen Charlie Chaplin footage and a lifetime supply of mimes trained exclusively at the Marcel Marceau School of Mimes.

Some suggest that such a contract could be untradeable.

The Yankees are calling the effort "Operation Cousin Yuri". A-Rod did not answer reporters questions about the offer from Cashman, but was seen running through a fence shortly after practice.

Monday, August 15, 2011

Keurig introduces new 1/2 cup coffee maker

It took nearly 61 years for humans to realize that brewing entire pots of coffee for one person was highly inefficient, but in 1998 the folks at Keurig solved the riddle and unlocked the key to the One Cup Brewing System that has taken America by storm. Now, 13 years later, to have a Keurig is like driving a BMW or having a mustache. It makes you slightly better than everybody else.
However, recent research revealed a shocking truth: Not only do people only need one cup, but in many instances they don't even finish that cup. So Keurig is doing what they call "meeting the coffee drinking needs of our customers" and rolling out the Keurig Mini-Mini, which will only brew 2.5 ounces at a time. Keurig issued a press release stating, "Keurig means excellence in Dutch or Swedish, though some argue they're the same language. Our new Mini-Mini will allow the coffee drinker to make the amount of coffee he will actually drink." The company stresses that this is not to replace any existing Keurig a customer might already own, and actually recommends 3 Keurig machines per household.

Friday, July 8, 2011

Yankee fans declare Derek Jeter's quest for 3000 hits far more important than Columbus' quest to find America

Yankee fans are positively giddy over Derek Jeter's rapidly approaching 3000 hit milestone, and have declared it "far more important" than Columbus' discovery of America, and "way better" than the Jonas Salk's 1952 breakthrough Polio vaccine. "Polio? What's that?" declared a Yankee fan. "I know the Dodgers used to play in the Polio Grounds". The Yankee fan then traded high-fives with another Yankee fan, both happy to know that they were better than everybody else.

President Obama has declared Jeter's 3000th hit, presumed to be a weak ground ball that somehow manages to evade several infielders, a "great day for America", and places the event somewhere between the invention of the drum and the Archimedes screw in terms of importance to mankind.

The hit is projected to lower the unemployment rate from 9.2 to 9.1, and should provide a boost to a flailing US economy. The much coveted ball will purportedly be placed in an RPG and fired at an unnamed terrorist, thus making Derek Jeter even more awesome than previously thought possible.

Jeter plans to celebrate the accomplishment by moving Africa just "a little closer" to his home in Tampa, Florida.

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

As Derek Jeter approaches 3000th hit milestone, this Derek Jeter can't even count how many times he's had to say "I'm not that Derek Jeter"

This Derek Jeter isn't exactly sick of being asked about that Derek Jeter, but is admitting that that Derek Jeter's chase for 3000 hits has brought extra attention his way, and it's starting to get old.
"When the other Derek hurt his calf people kept asking me if I was feeling ok. That was a little odd", laments the 47 year old postal clerk from Ithaca, NY, who has only thrown a baseball a few times in his life and prefers fishing and reading to team sports. "I'll be happy when he gets his big hit, then maybe people will stop giving me pep talks and telling me to 'spray the ball to all fields'. I don't even know what that means."
This Derek Jeter has been getting strange looks ever since he unwittingly introduced himself to a group of postal inspectors back in 1996. They laughed and pointed, prompting this Derek Jeter to say, "What?"
Upon realizing the coincidence, that Derek Jeter dismissed the peculiarity of it all. "I just kept saying to myself that this other Derek Jeter will probably be a flash in the pan, maybe he'll be out of baseball in a few weeks."
This Jeter admits that for awhile he formerly introduced himself as the "other Derek Jeter", but realized that he sounded silly. He has tried "DJ", and his middle name "Barry", but his coworkers insist on calling him "The Captain".

Ironically, this Derek Jeter's pension kicks in the same year that Derek Jeter's contract expires. According to the US Census bureau, these are the only two men named Derek Jeter in the country.

Sunday, June 19, 2011

World unrest spreads as violence in Lybia results in hockey riots in Vancouver

The unrest and upheaval that has rippled through the Middle East has apparently spread to Vancouver, as a new generation of hockey fans refused to accept the terms of the NHL's format for deciding a champion. After their home team, the Canucks, lost to the Bruins in an upset in game 7 of the Stanley Cup Finals, the youth of Vancouver took to the streets and torched vehicles that reminded them of Boston. The rabid fans of the team whose name is a derogatory term for all Canadians made no excuses for their actions, showing little remorse as they made their hardline stance with unwavering drunkenness. Tearing down street lights, scuffling with police and a general air of frustration over being Canadian seemed to fuel the events of the night.

Police used batons and dogs on the riotous crowd, who were way to drunk to notice that dogs were biting them. Eventually pepper spray and tear gas was used, but both seemed to deflect harmlessly off the drunker-then-expected throngs.

The riot led to an unusual amount of attention for the NHL, as two of the top ten searches this week on Yahoo were, "What is hockey", and "Barry Melrose vacation recommendations".

In defense of Vancouver, they are still cleaning up from the 2010 Olympics and have not been getting a lot of sleep.

Under section 67-68 of the Criminal Code of Canada, rioting can carry a life sentence. It's these kinds of oppressive laws, ironically, that led to the riot, along with other antiquated heavy-handedness like "Citizens may not publicly remove bandages", "It is illegal to kill a sasquatch", and "You can't drag a dead horse down Yonge Street on a Sunday."

Saturday, June 18, 2011

Yankees to decommission Jorge Posada

Lovable Yankee catcher Jorge Posada, a staple of the Yankees 5 championship teams over the past fifteen years, is too broken down to be considered a viable commodity and will be scrapped for parts, according to a source close to the team. While no decision has been made about direction the team will take with the Posada parts, it is widely believed that young catcher Francisco Cervelli will get Posada's left knee to replace his oft-injured current one. Posada's right arm will most likely be moved over to outfielder Nick Swisher who happens to throw lefty, raising speculation that the team is indeed intent on having the leagues first ambidextrous right fielder. The Yankees famously attempted a similar move with former fan-favorite right fielder Paul O'Neill in 1999, but failed. O'Neill instead became amphibious, and was subject to violent mood swings.
General Manager Brian Cashman refused to answer questions directly related to the decommissioning process, but did seem frustrated when talking to reporters, several times lashing out in response to simple questions. When asked if there were any pro-Posada voices left that tried to save the one time star, Cashman said, "The numbers speak for themselves. If anybody did speak up, I didn't hear it over the roars of my three pet lions."

Posada will be taken apart and moved to storage at some point next week.
"He's not looking to make a big stink", said a friend. "He's a team guy."
Posada is most famous for several big hits, and spending long hours trying to convince anybody who'd listen that his name was really George, not Jorge.
This is the Yankees first attempt at what they term "player enhancement" since they had Alex Rodriguez fitted with the wings of a falcon for a short period during 2008.

Monday, May 16, 2011

Intel shows Bin Laden passed time playing Wii, working on draft of "Infidels for Dummies"

Osama Bin Laden spent much of his 6 years in an Abbottobad, Pakistan compound playing Wii, specifically the "Sports Resort" games, and was especially fond of bowling and golf according to a source close to those reviewing his personal documents. When he wasn't "whooping upon the meek" on the Wii, as his copious notes detail, he was writing a cynical, hokey work of fiction called "Infidels for Dummies", a novel about a goofball terrorist who can't get out of the way of his own bombs.

Bin Laden was incorrigible around the compound, often beating his friends at Wii games and following them from room to room with mocking banter accompanied by a series of victory dances. The notes seem to indicate that his Wii infatuation caused him to stop planning terrorist activity and instead spend much of his time looking up Wii cheat codes on his encrypted laptop.
The terrorist mastermind was also working on creating a reality television show called "Abbottobad As It Gets!", and had dedicated hundreds of pages to what the source calls "incessant droning about what he thought would constitute the perfect hummus recipe."

Other snippets from the Bin Laden diaries that were leaked include:

"...McRib is back. Gotta get on that..."
"...Kirstie Alley needs to go away as bad as me..."
"...Is it me or is it really hard to get through on the American Idol voting lines?...."
"...If this Kanye video comes on again I'm going to order a bombing..."
"...LeBron is in Miami! Told y'all..."

Sunday, May 8, 2011

Ron Hits The Movies

Ron recently sat through all 127 hours of 127 Hours, and found it fascinating that anybody could allow themselves to be pinned under a boulder. Here is his review.

This guy ran around on the rocks somewhere in Utah, or was it Colorado? You'll have to watch! Either way, he dislodges a boulder and it seeks revenge by pinning his arm and refusing to move. He makes a farewell video to his parents, and then realizes he only has to cut off his arm to be free. So he does it, then stops off for a drink before erasing the video farewell to his parents (no longer needed), and then flags down a guy who knows a guy who has a helicopter. Now he's doing great; he ended up marrying the boulder and they have a child.

As an aside, during the watching of this movie you might wonder, "would I be able to cut off my arm?" Then by the end you might ask, "would I cut off my arm to get out of watching the rest of this movie?"
Alas, it's a great movie that makes you question many things. If you recently said to yourself, "I'd give anything right now to see a guy cut his arm off to free himself from a bad situation", I could not recommend this movie more.

Friday, May 7, 2010

Top 10 signs your name isn't going to be called at the NFL draft

10) The doctors ended your football career after diagnosing you as the only living human highly allergic to pigskin.

9) The only comparisons you've ever gotten to Joe Montana are that you both drink the same beer.

8) The only shoulder pads that fit you are off a Lane Bryant pants suit.

7) At the combine, the only areas where you scored high marks were snoring and lethargy.

6) Mel Kiper has you rated as the 27,000 best collegiate football player in the country, out of nearly 10,000.

5) The closest you've ever come to getting one of your highlights on SportsCenter is when you drunkenly bit the leg of a member of the Stanford band during a halftime performance.

4) Teams are not looking for players who write "totally afraid of dirt" on their personality questionnaire.

3) Sure, you gained fame as being the only NCAA player to punt in high heels, but apparently the NFL can't see past the gimmick.

2) After several private tryouts, the best feedback you've gotten is, "try to stop eating cookies".

1) Vegas has better odds on Terry Bradshaw beating David Hasselhoff in a Great Hair Contest.