Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
Monday, November 2, 2009
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Sunday, October 25, 2009
Friday, October 23, 2009
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
President Obama has decided to bail out the banks one more time, as it seems most of them spent the initial bailout money in ways other than it was intended (this is how most of it was spent), but he promises that this is "the last time, even though I said that the other time." It seems greedy banking executives immediately went about burning up the cash supplied by the government on lavish parties, at least one of which involved renting the entire state of Louisiana, serving "Shredded Cash Salad", and handing out ridiculous parting gifts. Main Street has been critical of Wall Street for just such excesses, and it seems the message has not gotten through-though that has little impact on Obama, who aides secretly say is "obsessed with printing money-literally. He spends most of his days in the basement of the Federal Reserve just playing with the printing presses, like a little kid."
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Alright, so you're sitting on the next big idea, but you don't quite know how to attract the right people. If we've learned anything from Balloon Boy and his father, Richard Heene, it's that pretending to expose your children to extreme, life threatening situations is a sure-fire way to secure a Network presence in your front yard. Here are some other ideas, and remember, if you have children, you're already on your way to stardom!
- Alligator Boy Simply purchase a large, adult male alligator and force feed him a mannequin that's roughly the size of your son. Feign despair, call the authorities, hide the real boy in a makeshift bunker, and sit back and watch the offers come flying in.
- Cement Mixer Girl Got a daughter and a driveway in need of repair? Let's merge the two concepts, and rest assured-you are just a series of frantic phone calls away from a one-on-one with Wolf Blitzer!
- Mineshaft/Well Boy This is a tried and true, good old fashioned gut wrencher, and the appeal is in the simplicity: just find an abandoned mineshaft or well, hide your child in a secure location (like a car trunk or lockable crate), and start screaming!
- High-Speed-Chase Boy This one can get dangerous, but danger+baby=ratings! The larger the vehicle the better; a school bus is ideal. Hire a midget, dress him in your little boys' clothes, and send him careening the wrong way down the interstate!
Hypocrisy in America: We all would have claimed our child was in a homemade hot air balloon to get a reality TV show, if only we'd thought of it first
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Jeffrey Peek, CEO of CIT Group, has announced that he feels that he's "done all I can do" to ruin CIT and will step down at the end of the year. Peek added, "I am proud to say that I took the company stock from $60 bucks to .80 cents in just a few short years."
Monday, October 12, 2009
For Mark Sanchez, the heralded rookie quarterback of the Jets, the two biggest obstacles of the early season have been adjusting to the speed of the NFL game, and being way better looking than any of his teammates. "I can't believe how fast the defenses are," offered Sanchez before a recent practice. "Or how good looking I am".
Thursday, October 8, 2009
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Monday, October 5, 2009
Mike Mead, inventor of the Clam Wedge and the Mental Hat, has been awarded the trophy at the annual Dick Elliott Invitational. Mead, who burst onto the scene with his Clam Wedge, a golf club guaranteed to save a stroke on any ball played off a bed of clams, won the award due to his adherence to the tenets of the Invitational, namely Integrity, Commitment and Action. Mead is also the founder of the Dick Elliott Invitational, a golf trip held annually to celebrate political lawn signage. Mead was not available for comment, and a call to the DEI executive offices resulted in a message that simply said "Please press 1 to order the Clam Wedge, please press 2 if you want to hear me counting the seconds to the next DEI in real time."
Friday, August 21, 2009
Justice Michael Melkonian threw the book at troubled NFL star Plaxico Burress on Monday, sentencing the former Giant wide receiver to two years with the Detroit Lions. Burress was being sentenced for shooting himself in the leg in a NYC nightclub last fall, and all along has maintained that he only fired the gun because he felt his leg was a threat. The judge wasn't buying it, and didn't pull any punches during the sentencing. "Mr Burress, I hereby sentence you to two years with the Detroit Lions," said Melkonian, who added that spending the 24 months with that "wretched franchise will only do you good, give you time to think about your crime." For a lesser charge of felony weapon possession Burress was also handed a sentence of 30 days in a room with an argumentative Ron Jaworski.
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
North Korea is threatening to halt any further shipments of delivery men to the United States in response to accusations that they are carrying weapons on board a ship outside of Shanghai. Delivery men, which are North Korea's largest export, play a critical role in the dissemination of food to the American public, and any halt in the supply chain could cripple the psyche of the already downtrodden general population. It is feared that people, if not able to get their food delivered in a timely manner, will be forced to leave their couches and exit their houses. Many could stop eating altogether. Some secretly believe that the North Korean ruling regime is aware of how necessary the Korean delivery man has become to the western world, and is playing this trump card in order to keep the US from imposing any further on their nuclear aspirations. A recent poll of 100 ordering-out-Americans showed most would do "whatever it takes" to keep the flow of Korean delivery men into the United States, while only 22% said that they'd be "comfortable" accepting food from a delivery person of other origin.
Friday, June 19, 2009
Biden: "If pigs took over the world like the apes did in that movie, I still wouldn't fly to Mexico"
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Monday, April 27, 2009
Criag Listkillar would like to be able to introduce himself at a party, but these days that's not easy. "People run away, sometimes they scream. It's really frustrating," offered the 52 year old H-Vac systems installer. "I recently had to fill out a deposit slip at the bank, and the teller hit the silent alarm. The cops brought me into the station asking for a confession, and all I could explain to them was that my name doesn't mean I did anything." Of course Listkillar is happy that the real Craigslist Killer has been caught, but doesn't think the questions will stop anytime soon. "I might have to change my name," he added with a sigh. "When this is all said and done, I'm always going to get that reaction. I have to wear a name tag for my job, can you imagine how customers are going to react?" Listkillar admits that he has already changed his email address and AOL screen name.
Friday, April 24, 2009
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Friday, April 17, 2009
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Friday, March 20, 2009
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Thursday, March 12, 2009
- Replace "corroborating witnesses available at judges discretion" with "references available upon request".
- Tape a piece of your cat's hair to the resume, and write in what it is in pen with an arrow. This will not only show your creative side, but also that you're an animal lover.
- When you list the duration of your previous jobs, do it in hours. It's way more impressive.
- Put down that you have experience handling wine-drinking, angry chimpanzees. In this day and age, companies are looking for this.
- "To Kill in less than three seconds" is definitely an objective, but it might be one you keep off the paper for now.
- Claim that you insist on parachuting into every sales call, at your own expense.
- Understand that the reader is probably bored. Feel free to end sentences with "Blah, blah, blah", or "whatever, you get the idea".
- Add mystery by using pen to cross out random words.
- Use ketchup to leave what appears to be a bloody fingerprint next to the part of your job history that details your "time in the jungle".
- Put a positive spin on everything. If you've been beaten up in a bar, put "Recipient of the Fist Award for Softest Face".
- If you list your goals, obviously include "President of the United States".
- List your birth and infancy as work experience. It was difficult, take credit for it.
- Make sure you present yourself as a team player. Include things like "Always honest, unless my boss asks me not to be", or "Knows when to shut up", or "Won't dive out a window when the FEDS are knocking down the door".
- Personalize things by including a picture of yourself doing something menial but looking really happy.
- List several Disney characters as references. After all, who doesn't want to hire somebody that knows Cinderella?
Monday, March 9, 2009
Friday, March 6, 2009
The Kiss Army, which has countless thousands of members worldwide, originally entered the region in 2005 after an internet rumor suggested that guitar player/vocalist Paul Stanley had been captured by insurgents.
Roy Horn, according to several tigers we spoke with, is the human equivalent to a three-legged, blind baby antelope stuck in the mud. Tigers the world over are confused and seem to not be buying Montecore's story. A tiger message board on Facebook had the following posts: "He's making excuses. He's making us look bad, plain and simple. Maneaters? How about eating a man if you want to be considered a maneater?" Another simply read: "He's a kitten, not a tiger." A third was more cynical: "Perhaps he's spoiled and doesn't like German food?"
Friday, February 27, 2009
Monday, February 23, 2009
Sunday, February 22, 2009
If the recession catches you, the best defense is to cover your face with your forearms and feign death.
Monday, February 16, 2009
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Aries- Your outspoken campaign against movie theater butter will be cause for great irony this week when you find yourself having to swim through almost a mile of it to reach dry land.
Taurus- You speak often of moving to a different part of the country, and will finally take action this week, even if it's involuntary due to your belt buckle getting caught on the bumper of an 18 wheeler bound for California.
Gemini- Though you don't know it, you're script has fallen into the hands of actual assassins who speak little English and read even less, so yes, you will indirectly be responsible for the birthday-party-clown hostage situation at a YMCA in downtown San Diego, but in real life Steven Segal won't be there to bail you out.
Cancer- You like to joke around that your the "last one they should ask" about the economy, but as it turns out they've asked everybody else, so the floor is yours.
Leo- Your love of horses will finally supersede your ability to think logically this week when you decide to rob a bank but forgo a getaway car for an elderly Clydesdale.
Virgo- By this time next week you'll have replaced President Obama as the most recognized man in America, as every man, woman and child will be searching for you with picks and torches.
Libra- You will be called to testify before the House Ways and Means Committee this week, which will go as expected until the Senator from Wisconsin asks a well crafted question that exposes you as knowing nothing on either Ways or Means.
Scorpio- Your friends have always told you that people rip off your ideas because imitation is the greatest form of flattery, which has comforted you until this week when you are introduced for the first time to imitation crab meat.
Sagittarius- Just a little tip for next time: If you need to imagine your audience naked in order to calm down that's fine, but we'd suggest that you yourself wear more than socks.
Capricorn- The only thing standing between you and the new iPhone is a lack of money, no job, a floundering economy in the midst of a recession, your wife and three mall security guards. We say go for it.
Aquarius- Your theory that a good enough dancer can actually alter the beat of the music will be proven completely and unequivocally wrong this week, and unfortunately it will be in front of millions of people and it won't be pretty.
Pisces- Your love for camping will become your legacy, if you want to consider being called the "Campground Killer" a legacy.
Thursday, February 5, 2009
LaVerde was one of hundreds that spent most of their day holding onto the faint hope that they'd get to Torre in the one hour he would actually be at the store signing copies of "The Yankee Years", a tell-all with scalding commentary on the likes of Yankee G.M. Brian Cashman, and All-Star Alex Rodriguez. In the book Torre implies that A-Rod is madly in love with Derek Jeter and purposely tries to run into him when they're both chasing pop-ups.
Torre also reveals that slugger Jason Giambi is "as dumb as you think, and then some", and that Cashman was "usually drunk".
Torre also adds that outfielder Johnny Damon "throws like a young girl from another country", and is "just as good an outfielder as Mickey Mantle--that's Mickey Mantle now!"
Yankee fans are unilaterally disappointed and annoyed at Torre for his attack on his former team, and are showing their anger by forking over millions of dollars on his book. "There is no better way to let Joe know that he's classless than to buy his book and read it", added Bill Callahan, a lifelong Yankee fan. "I think he's a bum and I'm going to show him how I feel by giving him the money I was going to use to buy my kids dinner."
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
Monday, February 2, 2009
Friday, January 30, 2009
Saturday, January 24, 2009
Thursday, January 22, 2009
"24-7-11" Jack Bauer spends a drug-and-paranoia-fueled week inside a convenience store, killing several customers and taking seven donuts hostage.
"CSI-OBAMA" The team will be faced with the unenviable task of figuring out a way to get DNA from the President in order to establish an explanation for his terrible dancing.
"MAN VS WILD, PAULA ABDUL'S HEAD" Bear Grylls will be dropped into the vast, vacant landscape that is the inside of Paula Abdul's head, and will have only four days to figure a way out.
"FLOST" Tom Arnold stars as a man who thinks he's survived a plane crash and is obsessed with dental floss. The two quirky afflictions come to a sudden head in the pivotal episode three, when he cleans the teeth of an elderly man at the barbershop who turns out to be his father.
"TWO AND A HALF BIDEN'S" Two guys who look a lot like Joe Biden and a midget who also looks a lot like Joe Biden amazingly become roommates by complete coincidence when they all answer the same ad.
Monday, January 19, 2009
Passengers of US Airways flight 1549 were surprised to hear that the company was only rewarding them with 4 frequent flyer miles after their failing plane landed miraculously in the Hudson River last week. The company issued a brief statement which explained that "It is US Airways policy to reward travelers for exact mileage travelled. The passengers in question travelled 4 miles."
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Monday, January 5, 2009
"You are quite the antagonist", he suggested.