Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Tom Cruise has perfected a cologne that will help with the recovery

Tom Cruise is about to change the world once again, this time with a cologne that will "curb the rising tide of destitution in America", according to a press release. The cologne, "Tom Cruise-Crazy!" is, according to Cruise, "A way out for America, a way out of this crisis. This cologne captures the essence of our crisis in a scent. To do that, I had to scrape some of the scales of an alien at the Intergalactic Annual Ball. We mixed that up with some of my sweat, a pinch of my dazzle. But it was worth it."
Cruise goes on to imply that the very scent of the cologne will bring about immediate wealth. "Crazy! will make you realize that there really is money in your wallet."
Cruise also detailed his plan for the "Great American Recovery", starting with each American spraying "liberal amounts of Crazy! all over themselves. We also ask that you gargle with it after each meal."
Tom Cruise-Crazy! will hit the shelves in time for Christmas. Insiders suggest that supplies might be limited, due mostly to the limited supply of Cruise sweat, but Tom has vowed to his team that he will produce "as much sweat as necessary," scoffing that "Thetan 7's never run out of sweat."

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Book Starters

The hardest part of writing a book is the first line, according to most authors. We have eliminated the dirty work, providing you with a few opening sentences to kick start your book.

1) The Armenian had thick legs, and a brow sweat that could quench a village, but his temper was legendary. So was his potato salad.

2) People laughed at me for eating hamburgers for breakfast, but not mom. As a matter of fact, it was her idea.

3) Most people lived in this part of the world so they could enjoy the sunrise over the ocean, but not Steve. He liked watching the moonrise over the trees.

4) The ball caromed off the bat, floating aimlessly towards a small group of onlookers. Years later we would come to ask ourselves, "was it really aimless?"

5) The door flung open, revealing it's pusher.

6) We wrestled nearly thirty lemons into the small, worn satchel; ingredients necessary for Grandma Margaret's legendary picnic lemonade. And off we were! But I forgot the satchel, and was made to sleep on a bed of lemons for most of my childhood.

7) The mountains stretched beyond a vast sea of treetops. Just beyond that was where we needed to go. "We should just drive," I suggested. All agreed so we hopped in the car, me and the other rabbits.

8) Ron and Pablo were just a couple of local kids who they loved to eat liverwurst sandwiches, and play ball in the street. That's how we came to rob the Mitchell farm.

9) Bullets flew, and I began to chuckle, "because what else are they going to do?", I whispered to nobody in particular.

10) The meeting was set to adjourn at 11 a.m., and my contact would be carrying a black briefcase. He appeared at 11 a.m. as expected, but I was nowhere to be found.

11) Rain threatened, like a neighborhood bully crouching just beyond the hedges.

12) Blood was everywhere. And this wasn't the type of house where things like that went unnoticed.

Monday, November 2, 2009

John Walsh to host America's Most Wanted Hair

For years John Walsh has helped to capture some of America's most hardened criminals, and now he's ready to reveal the secret behind his amazing hair in a new FOX show set to debut in the spring. The show will be much like his long running hit, "America's Most Wanted", except that the focus will be on hair instead of criminals. For years viewers of AMW have been captivated by the subtle changes in the coif of Walsh, spawning internet banter, message boards, and cover bands ("Coif Of Walsh").
Walsh was the guest speaker last year at the National Hair Society's Symposium on Great Hair. His hair related credentials are too many to list.

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Last Minute Costume Ideas

With Halloween upon us, many are scrambling for last minute costume ideas. Here are a few that will assure you Legend Status at the neighbors party.

1) Anatomically-Correct-Asian-Bear-Squirrel: The costume does all the work, it's just up to you to maintain the pose.

2) Cornucopia Of Awesomeness : Because you're NOT just another guy who loves his music and guns.

3) Walk A Mile In My Boots: Just be prepared to say "No, I'm not really him" for most of the night.

4) Silly Kitty: Our only recommendation on this one is that you forgo the hand puppet part--it's way too distracting.

5) 100% Real Man: Think William Wallace meets Spartacus.

6) Livin' The Dream: People will love it, and say things like, "The two of you are up to no good!"

7) We Know It's You, Steve: If you have a dog, send him as you. They'll never know.

Jon Gosselin, go ahead and prepare your speech for your induction into the Reality TV Hall of Fame

A nation shocked and depressed over the impending end of Jon & Kate + Eight now has something to hang it's hat on. This move firmly places Jon Gosselin in the rarified category of "people I'd most like to see pecked to death by a ferocious hen".

Harvesting virtual raspberries all the rage

For people who like to get their hands dirty without getting their hands dirty, this has become an obsession.

Friday, October 23, 2009

Steve Phillips admits to affair with Pearl Jam frontman Eddie Vedder

Steve Phillips, an analyst for ESPN's Baseball Tonight, has admitted to having an affair with Pearl Jam lead singer Eddie Vedder after Vedder apparently hand delivered a letter detailing the relationship to Phillips' wife. The news is shocking to both the rock community and the world of sports, where Phillips has established a reputation as one who won't let his job get in the way of his womanizing. It is not immediately know if Phillips plans to leave his wife and family for Vedder. Vedder was unavailable for comment, but the revelation does shed some light on the singers new solo album, titled "Steve".

The scary truth: There's too much confetti in the world

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Obama: "I totally swear this is the last bailout"

President Obama has decided to bail out the banks one more time, as it seems most of them spent the initial bailout money in ways other than it was intended (this is how most of it was spent), but he promises that this is "the last time, even though I said that the other time." It seems greedy banking executives immediately went about burning up the cash supplied by the government on lavish parties, at least one of which involved renting the entire state of Louisiana, serving "Shredded Cash Salad", and handing out ridiculous parting gifts. Main Street has been critical of Wall Street for just such excesses, and it seems the message has not gotten through-though that has little impact on Obama, who aides secretly say is "obsessed with printing money-literally. He spends most of his days in the basement of the Federal Reserve just playing with the printing presses, like a little kid."

Recession taking extra heavy toll on birthday party clown industry

These are hard times for sad clowns, and happy ones as well. The recession has caused cutbacks in frivolous spending, resulting in a dire situation for the clown population, one that could result in the extinction of clowns from the earth according to Richard Snowberg, acting President of the World Clown Association . The WCA has seen membership drop from 77,000 during the mad clown rush in the mid 1980's to only 19 active members as of July, 2009. "That's 19 clowns left," declared Snowberg as he honked a horn. "It used to be that there was a clown on every block. Everybody knew a clown, so naturally you'd give your clown buddy a call whenever your kids birthday came around. Not anymore," sighed Snowberg. "Now there's nineteen clowns in the whole World. It's clear nobody needs us anymore. It's been a good run."
Birthday party experts agree that the hiring of a clown is a rarity these days, as just about anything would be more enjoyable. "There's a creepy element to having a grown man wearing a flamboyant disguise and playing with your children", was a common theme during focus groups held by the WCA.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Landing a Reality TV Show: How to go about getting national attention for your big idea

Alright, so you're sitting on the next big idea, but you don't quite know how to attract the right people. If we've learned anything from Balloon Boy and his father, Richard Heene, it's that pretending to expose your children to extreme, life threatening situations is a sure-fire way to secure a Network presence in your front yard. Here are some other ideas, and remember, if you have children, you're already on your way to stardom!

  • Alligator Boy Simply purchase a large, adult male alligator and force feed him a mannequin that's roughly the size of your son. Feign despair, call the authorities, hide the real boy in a makeshift bunker, and sit back and watch the offers come flying in.
  • Cement Mixer Girl Got a daughter and a driveway in need of repair? Let's merge the two concepts, and rest assured-you are just a series of frantic phone calls away from a one-on-one with Wolf Blitzer!
  • Mineshaft/Well Boy This is a tried and true, good old fashioned gut wrencher, and the appeal is in the simplicity: just find an abandoned mineshaft or well, hide your child in a secure location (like a car trunk or lockable crate), and start screaming!
  • High-Speed-Chase Boy This one can get dangerous, but danger+baby=ratings! The larger the vehicle the better; a school bus is ideal. Hire a midget, dress him in your little boys' clothes, and send him careening the wrong way down the interstate!

Hypocrisy in America: We all would have claimed our child was in a homemade hot air balloon to get a reality TV show, if only we'd thought of it first

Authorities now believe that Richard Heene used his six year old son, Balloon Boy, in an elaborate stunt in an attempt to attract attention for his reality TV show, and a hypocritical America is feigning disgust even though any one of us would have done the exact same thing. Larimer County Sheriff, James Alderden, is planning on filing charges after suspicions grew about the veracity of the Heene's claim that they thought their son was in a homemade weather balloon that flew haphazardly at several thousands feet last week, riveting a clearly bored nation. "We now believe this to be a hoax," announced Alderden in his now daily press briefing. "We believe that it's no coincidence that the child's name is Balloon Boy, and that this involved a balloon. What are the chances that a boy actually named 'Balloon Boy' would accidentally get stuck in a balloon? We think nil."

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Obama awarded Heisman Trophy after spirited play session with Bo the dog

President Obama has followed up his incredible, surprise win of the Nobel Peace Prize with a Heisman Trophy, the White House has said, after several members of the press were "blown away" by his moves on the White House lawn during a casual game of fetch with Bo, the family dog. A voter for the Trophy, usually awarded to the best college football player in the country, said "Obama is clearly the best football player in the country. That dog is really agile, but he couldn't get the ball from the President."

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

CIT Group CEO Jeffrey Peek announces he'll step down after successfully destroying company

Jeffrey Peek, CEO of CIT Group, has announced that he feels that he's "done all I can do" to ruin CIT and will step down at the end of the year. Peek added, "I am proud to say that I took the company stock from $60 bucks to .80 cents in just a few short years."

Peek was hired in 2003, and, by his own account, immediately set about untangling the successes that CIT had enjoyed as the nations leading small and mid-size business lender. Peek admits that he was better at ruining the business than even he had hoped. "At this point, my work is done. If you saw the movie Titanic, the captain stays on at the end but he's not driving the ship. I'm not doing anything anymore, I've set a course for utter failure and it's full steam ahead!" Peek went on to clarify that he simply doesn't see anything else he can do "save for stealing stuff from the copy room." Peek was asked if he realized that his responsibility was to make the company successful and profitable, to which he replied, "Any idiot can do that."

Monday, October 12, 2009

Alex Rodriguez attributes his post season success to Alex Rodriguez

Alex Rodriguez would be the first to admit that he's probably the best looking guy he knows. And most Yankee fans agree that he's too good looking for his own good, but have always had a contentious view of the 3rd baseman because of his inability to perform when it counts: the playoffs. This year, however, Rodriguez seems to have shaken off that stigma by leading his team to a three game sweep of the Minnesota Twins, and if you ask Rodriguez, he'll tell you what's different. "I totally love myself. It's all about me, and once I realized that, I was able to relax and hit the ball. I told myself, 'look, you're probably the best looking guy on the planet, even the ball is probably jealous of you'."
Rodriguez also shed his pre-game routine of hitting batting practice and fielding ground balls for two hours of "Alex Time", during which he stares longingly into a floor to ceiling mirror (pictured). Rodriguez explains his odd new approach with extreme candidness, saying that "If you are in the presence of the most gorgeous thing on earth, do you walk away from it and go catch ground balls, or do you stare at it? I choose to stare at it."

Jets quarterback adjusting to speed of NFL game, being best looking guy on team by far

For Mark Sanchez, the heralded rookie quarterback of the Jets, the two biggest obstacles of the early season have been adjusting to the speed of the NFL game, and being way better looking than any of his teammates. "I can't believe how fast the defenses are," offered Sanchez before a recent practice. "Or how good looking I am".
By his own account, however, it shouldn't be hard for Sanchez to overcome being so good looking. "It's been this way since high school. I've always been the best looking guy on the team. I wondered when I got drafted, will I still be the best looking? Will I be able to adjust to the defenses? Well, the defenses are taking some getting used to, but in the looks department it's not even close."
Sanchez and the Jets travel to Miami this weekend, where the Jets hope to win against a division rival. Sanchez plans to build on his experience thus far, and plans to pose a lot on the sidelines. "It's part of the game--my game, anyway."

Thursday, October 8, 2009

Study shows that 7 out of 10 Americans disagree with 3 out of 10 Americans

A Marist College poll has shockingly revealed that 7 out of 10 Americans disagree with 3 out of 10 Americans, confirming that there is indeed a riff. The poll offered little in the way of specifics, but did point out an alarming trend: Some Americans do indeed disagree with others. "While 7 out of every 10 people asked did agree, there were in fact 3 that did not agree," offered Hal Stickel, a poller for the College. "This confirms our suspicions, but it is our nature to be suspicious here at Marist College."

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Overcrowding at local emergency rooms due in large part to Fantasy Football injuries

Emergency room doctors are seeing a rapid rise in the number of Fantasy Football injuries this year, and many are worried that their waiting rooms could remain full until January. The most common visits have been for "trigger finger" and "free agent fever", with many also suffering from dizziness over tie-breaker scenarios. Most of the physical injuries have been bumps and scrapes, usually the result of altercations stemming from taunting about draft mistakes or failed predictions.

Monday, October 5, 2009

Local inventor wins 1st prize at golf invitational

Mike Mead, inventor of the Clam Wedge and the Mental Hat, has been awarded the trophy at the annual Dick Elliott Invitational. Mead, who burst onto the scene with his Clam Wedge, a golf club guaranteed to save a stroke on any ball played off a bed of clams, won the award due to his adherence to the tenets of the Invitational, namely Integrity, Commitment and Action. Mead is also the founder of the Dick Elliott Invitational, a golf trip held annually to celebrate political lawn signage. Mead was not available for comment, and a call to the DEI executive offices resulted in a message that simply said "Please press 1 to order the Clam Wedge, please press 2 if you want to hear me counting the seconds to the next DEI in real time."
However, a statement on Mead's Facebook page said that "I am enjoying my time with the trophy, and trying to relax after an exhausting few weeks. I really appreciate my fans and all they've done to get me to this point, but right now I just want to be alone with my family and this amazing trophy."

Mets Owner Fred Wilpon insists Madoff losses didn't effect team, will wrestle bear for $100

Fred Wilpon may be in denial, but he remains adamant that his purported 500 million dollar loss at the hands of Bernie Madoff has had no effect on his finances, or the daily operation of his Mets franchise. "I am not going to let that incident effect how we build our team going forward", Wilpon told reporters as his team wrapped up their season. "And I will wrestle a bear for $100, should anybody have a bear." Wilpon also was overheard asking a fan for "at least $15" to pose for a picture.
It has become a common belief amongst Mets fans that the team suffered this year because, after a rash of injuries, Mets management was reluctant to spend money on replacements. The Mets actually finished the year with a sheep playing left field and a Honduran day laborer playing shortstop. "Was the sheep a bad idea?" Wilpon asked rhetorically, "Maybe. But Manuel did a great job at shortstop, and we're pleased to say that he'll be joining our grounds crew for next season. "

NY Mets players still holding onto beards despite never reaching goal of mediocrity

The Mets season has finished, and some of their players are having a hard time letting go of their promise not to shave until they reach .500. After finishing with a record of 70-92, several of the players finally admitted that they "probably" wouldn't be reaching their goal of perfect mediocrity. "We really wanted to be average", offered right fielder Jeff Francoeur. "We don't show up to finish 22 games under .500, we want to be .500. That's why the beards are so hard to let go. We held out hope that our dream of averageness was in reach, but apparently not. It's very disappointing."
David Wright, the Mets All Star 3rd baseman, won't shave until the Mets have gotten back to being a middle of the road team. "Finishing near the bottom of the division is not acceptable. We all strive to be in the middle of the division. This is not fair to our fans, they pay good money to watch us win a game and then lose a game, not lose two or three for each win. "

Friday, August 21, 2009

Plaxico Burress sentenced to two years with Detroit Lions

Justice Michael Melkonian threw the book at troubled NFL star Plaxico Burress on Monday, sentencing the former Giant wide receiver to two years with the Detroit Lions. Burress was being sentenced for shooting himself in the leg in a NYC nightclub last fall, and all along has maintained that he only fired the gun because he felt his leg was a threat. The judge wasn't buying it, and didn't pull any punches during the sentencing. "Mr Burress, I hereby sentence you to two years with the Detroit Lions," said Melkonian, who added that spending the 24 months with that "wretched franchise will only do you good, give you time to think about your crime." For a lesser charge of felony weapon possession Burress was also handed a sentence of 30 days in a room with an argumentative Ron Jaworski.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

North Korea threatens to halt shipments of delivery men

North Korea is threatening to halt any further shipments of delivery men to the United States in response to accusations that they are carrying weapons on board a ship outside of Shanghai. Delivery men, which are North Korea's largest export, play a critical role in the dissemination of food to the American public, and any halt in the supply chain could cripple the psyche of the already downtrodden general population. It is feared that people, if not able to get their food delivered in a timely manner, will be forced to leave their couches and exit their houses. Many could stop eating altogether. Some secretly believe that the North Korean ruling regime is aware of how necessary the Korean delivery man has become to the western world, and is playing this trump card in order to keep the US from imposing any further on their nuclear aspirations. A recent poll of 100 ordering-out-Americans showed most would do "whatever it takes" to keep the flow of Korean delivery men into the United States, while only 22% said that they'd be "comfortable" accepting food from a delivery person of other origin.

Friday, June 19, 2009

Biden: "If pigs took over the world like the apes did in that movie, I still wouldn't fly to Mexico"

Joe Biden isn't backing down from his hard line stance against the swine flu, and vows to continue to not fly to Mexico even if pigs take over the world and try to "poke and prod me onto the plane with their dirty little hooves", as told to a British reporter in a recent interview. The controversial Vice President/Wedding Singer has taken much criticism from the travel industry in light of his outspoken views against air travel during the swine flu pandemic. "There are swine sneezing on planes", Biden told the incredulous reporter. "And I'm supposed to just sit there and wait for my pretzels? Forget that. I'm outta here. Do you know that for years I used to take my family to Arizona and just tell them it was Mexico? Why don't people start doing stuff like that? That's what this country needs, not great thinkers, better liars." Biden didn't seem concerned that his ramblings could get him in any hot water, and seemed hung up on the notion that somehow the flu could end with pigs ruling the world. On several occasions he referenced a "pig suit", and that "at least they won't be able to open locked doors 'cause they don't have fingers". At one point the interviewer asks Biden if he fears any repercussion from his outlandish remarks, to which he replies, "What are they going to do, socialize me?"
When asked if he felt any remorse over plagiarizing a speech from a member of the British Parliament, he would only offer that "My mistake wasn't stealing the speech. It was trying to use a British accent."

Thursday, April 30, 2009

Obama offers heartfelt apology to Pig Americans

Obama extended an olive branch to what he called a "nation of grieving, downtrodden Pig Americans", calling the swine flu an unfair mischaracterization of what "pigs are all about" during his 100th day address to the media. He implored people to refer to pig's as "Pig Americans", not just pigs, because "they share in our grief and suffering." Obama offered a reminder that the swine flu would have been "handled and dealt with by those in the pig world if not for our unfortunate meddling in their business," adding, "Remember, people pet pigs. Pigs don't pet people."
He suggested that the government would do all it could to remediate the much maligned pig population through, ironically, a bill that he vowed will be "stuffed with and for pork".
Obama also suggested that Pig Americans will be included in his sweeping health care reform agenda, maintaining the position that "no American should go without healthcare--and that includes Pig Americans".

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Miss Piggy denies she and Matt Lauer had anything to do with swine flu

Miss Piggy's role as the only known English speaking pig became an unenviable one this week as a shadow was cast across the swine world after a swine flu outbreak. Most shockingly, Miss Piggy recently kissed Matt Lauer on national TV, and pig-kissing is the surest way to get the swine flu. Lauer and Piggy both deny any involvement, with Lauer's people trying to justify the move by claiming Piggy "isn't a real pig". Miss Piggy's people replied to the statement in a brief email that simply read, "Matt certainly seemed to think she was real when he called her 31 times after the taping."
Most epidemic experts believe that a Mexican pig was responsible for the outbreak. They have determined this by interviewing other Mexican pigs, and they keep pointing at one pig in particular. Most epidemic experts also caution that you should take their findings with a grain of salt, because technically most epidemic experts are dead.

Monday, April 27, 2009

Craig Listkillar wishes people would stop confusing him with that other guy

Criag Listkillar would like to be able to introduce himself at a party, but these days that's not easy. "People run away, sometimes they scream. It's really frustrating," offered the 52 year old H-Vac systems installer. "I recently had to fill out a deposit slip at the bank, and the teller hit the silent alarm. The cops brought me into the station asking for a confession, and all I could explain to them was that my name doesn't mean I did anything." Of course Listkillar is happy that the real Craigslist Killer has been caught, but doesn't think the questions will stop anytime soon. "I might have to change my name," he added with a sigh. "When this is all said and done, I'm always going to get that reaction. I have to wear a name tag for my job, can you imagine how customers are going to react?" Listkillar admits that he has already changed his email address and AOL screen name.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Economists pinpoint exact moment the economy turned

It has taken months of charting, but a panel of economists seem to agree unilaterally that the economy peaked at 4:15 p.m, June 23rd, 2005, the exact moment Tom Cruise jumped on Oprah's couch. From this point forth things began to plateau and then turn downwards, eventually plunging the country into a recession. Cruise retired from couch jumping shortly after his rampage on Oprah, but still maintains that he does all his own stunts. The moment was captured on national television when Cruise stunned the audience and Oprah (seen in photo baring her teeth to fend off Cruise) by launching into what he simply called "attack mode". Cruise was promoting his love for actress Katie Holmes, and his upcoming blockbuster, War of the Worlds.
Cruise still finds himself one of Hollywood's leading actors, despite his odd behavior and Lions for Lambs.

Friday, April 17, 2009

Phil Spector found guilty of 2nd degree murder, 1st degree creepiness

Judge Larry Paul Fidler found music legend Phil Spector guilty of two charges on Monday, the initial one for the murder of actress Lana Clarkson six years ago and a second for "Overwhelming Creepiness".
The sentence could put Spector away for life, as he's expected to be handed 25 years for the 2nd degree murder charge and a second 25 years for "creeping out the judge and the entire courtroom from minute one." The sentences cannot be served concurrently, as Judge Fidler ruled that "only criminals should be exposed to this freak of a man."
Spector once seemed normal while writing such classics as "You've Lost that Loving Feeling," "Walking In The Rain," "River Deep, Mountain High," "Just Once In My Life," and "To Know Him Is To Love Him."
He declared his innocence even though the night Clarkson was murdered, Spector was found by his driver holding a gun and stating that he thought he "might have killed somebody."
The troubled legend did little but stare during the trial, prompting judge Fidler to turn his back on the courtroom several times during examination, stating "I can't look at him anymore" on each occasion.
This was the second trial for Spector for the charge of murder, the 1st rendering no verdict as the jury couldn't agree on whether or not they could even go back out and look at Spector for another five minutes. The judge in that case has been put on temporary disability, and suffers from panic attacks anytime he sees a middle aged women with curly hair.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Tom Arnold introduces Tom Arnold flavored salsa

Tom Arnold launched a nationwide tour to promote his new Tom Arnold flavored salsa on Tuesday, meeting with about 30 fans outside the Tallahassee regional airport. He described the salsa as "hilarious", adding that it's "like having six more guys at the party." The actor is said to be struggling with his finances as movie roles have dried up like old pasta in the Texas sun. The official press release from the company bottling the salsa explains that there is a "little bit of Tom in every jar, and that's what makes it so spicy!"

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Bin Laden changes Facebook status to "single"

Attention ladies, the world's #1 terrorist is now hoping to become a wanted man in other ways as evidenced by the sudden change in his Facebook status from "married" to "single" on Wednesday. The shocking announcement comes at a time when the shadowy figure has been mostly obscured from the public eye thanks to a strict regiment of cave dwelling, and target practice.
The page offers a fascinating insight into this man awash in terror. For instance, in a post from Monday evening Bin Laden states, "just took advantage of Applebee's 2 for $20 meal all by myself. Too stuffed to even hate". Another entry from two weeks ago reads, "This winter is ponderous. Is March Madness here yet?" Going back into early February there are a string of commentaries that seem to indicate that he was heavily involved in NFL playoff betting. He states in two separate posts, from the Monday morning's after the NFC playoffs and Superbowl respectively, "Praise Allah for Kurt Warner and those magnificent hands of the Fitzgerald", and "Who's the infidel in charge of clock management for the Cardinals?"

His "friends" list is comprised of nearly 900 names, and most of the banter in the chat section is of the mundane variety. Some of the comments included "Hey O, thanks for the order from", and "where you bin hiden?", and several referring to "Operation Antelope".

Bin Laden lists his favorite singers (Hasselhoff, Abdul), and suggests that he is open to seeing Bruce.

It is not known what happened to his other marriages, but until yesterday it was believed that he had as many as 4 wives and 25 children.

Friday, March 20, 2009

Inflation forecast sends pants makers scrambling for bigger and better pockets

In ten years, economists predict, a cup of coffee will cost between $35,000 and $40,000. A bag of chips? $17,000. A new car will run between $1-$3,000,000. The consequences of such unprecedented inflation is obvious: where will we carry all that cash? This thought is keeping pants makers up at night as they explore new and innovative pockets that will allow for greater storage. As pants are constituted today, the average American will find that their money will be blowing freely from their current pockets, and will be too worthless to stop and pick up. Calvin Klein is working on a line of jeans called "Poketz", which will be mostly pocket. Jerry Klein, from the National Institute of Pants, says that "Pants as we know them are finished. In ten years you won't even recognize pants. People will be so weighed down with their spending money that the notion of pants as a stylish accoutrement will be absurd; it will all be about functionality. People will demand more pockets, extra pockets, pockets, pockets, pockets."

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Chuck Norris contemplates secession from union

Chuck Norris has had it, and we all should walk a bit quietly around America's legendary roundhouser these days as he is apparently contemplating seceding from the union if things don't change soon. Norris has filed papers in US Courts to be uniquely qualified as a sovereign state on two legs, possessing freedom over his affairs, existence and territory. Norris has requested allowance to roam anywhere within US borders, and really, who's going to say no? The stoic actor/intimidation expert is apparently fed up with the state of the country. Those close to him say that he would prefer to handle the recession and shady politics with his feet, but knows better. His spokesman added, "If Chuck fights the recession all by himself, who's going to handle this problem the next time around if Chuck isn't here? Here's a hypothetical: The country has another financial crisis, and Chuck is overseas negotiating peace between Bosnia and Serbia with his size 11's. What will we do? The point is, we can't rely on this guy to help us out of every problem. First this country got too fat, so Chuck introduced the Total Gym. Then America was screaming for a leader, so Chuck introduced Mike Huckabee. How much can we expect from one man?"
If Norris is granted this special exemption--and he will--he would be required to register a name for his new state and could be granted membership to the general assembly of the United Nations. If he's not granted the membership, he will most likely just show up because there will be little the other 192 countries represented could do to stop him.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

A healthy resume the key to success

The job market is tough, and it's time to spruce up your resume in order to create a memorable experience for the reader. Remember, in a sea of faceless faces it's critical that you stand out. Here are some tips on how to do so:

  • Replace "corroborating witnesses available at judges discretion" with "references available upon request".
  • Tape a piece of your cat's hair to the resume, and write in what it is in pen with an arrow. This will not only show your creative side, but also that you're an animal lover.
  • When you list the duration of your previous jobs, do it in hours. It's way more impressive.
  • Put down that you have experience handling wine-drinking, angry chimpanzees. In this day and age, companies are looking for this.
  • "To Kill in less than three seconds" is definitely an objective, but it might be one you keep off the paper for now.
  • Claim that you insist on parachuting into every sales call, at your own expense.
  • Understand that the reader is probably bored. Feel free to end sentences with "Blah, blah, blah", or "whatever, you get the idea".
  • Add mystery by using pen to cross out random words.
  • Use ketchup to leave what appears to be a bloody fingerprint next to the part of your job history that details your "time in the jungle".
  • Put a positive spin on everything. If you've been beaten up in a bar, put "Recipient of the Fist Award for Softest Face".
  • If you list your goals, obviously include "President of the United States".
  • List your birth and infancy as work experience. It was difficult, take credit for it.
  • Make sure you present yourself as a team player. Include things like "Always honest, unless my boss asks me not to be", or "Knows when to shut up", or "Won't dive out a window when the FEDS are knocking down the door".
  • Personalize things by including a picture of yourself doing something menial but looking really happy.
  • List several Disney characters as references. After all, who doesn't want to hire somebody that knows Cinderella?

"For Sale" & "Going Out Of Business!" sign sales could be key to U.S. recovery

The University of Michigan has completed a research study which indicates that most of those currently unemployed should be able to find work in a sign factory, as demand for "Going Out Of Business!", "Everything Must Go!" and "For Sale" signs continues to see unprecedented gains. The report stated that "At the current pace nearly every business will have one of these signs in their window, and somebody needs to make the actual signs." The survey included detailed interviews with sign makers who are finding the demand taxing on their workforce. Some complained of an increase in paper cuts, while others suggested that there's little room to show true creativity. However, the consensus was that business will continue to expand rapidly, and that hiring large numbers of new sign makers is a must.

Monday, March 9, 2009

Some moving into tent cities looking for more tent than they can afford

Some of the same Americans who overspent on their homes are now coughing up $99 of their last $100 for a tent when there are plenty of $49 tents available; more greed? Tent salesman Ned Riccio thinks so. The 19 year veteran has seen the market trend towards larger, upscale tents being bought by people with poor credit and not enough income to support such a large tent, and he finds the pattern alarming. "We have people asking for bathrooms, things like granite countertops. I have to explain to these people, 'this is a tent. There's no bathroom, no countertops. It's just got a few zippers'. Then they want the biggest one we have. People with two kids come in and immediately they're looking at the 12-Man Zodiac Deluxe made with a bear repellent Kevlar lining and with built in extension cord storage. And I'm thinking, you live in Florida? Where are the bears?"
If this trend continues, some forecasters see the bottom falling out on the upscale tent market. Economists suggest that tent manufacturers are making too many tents and eventually the tent bubble will burst. A clear sign of the top will be when people are buying second tents in vacation tent cities. One ironic consensus among economists is that, while the tent bubble may burst, the bubble tent industry should thrive due to people seeking additional headroom.

Friday, March 6, 2009

Kiss Army to withdraw 1500 troops from Iraq

The Kiss Army has announced that it will slowly withdraw as many as 1500 troops from Iraq over the next six months. The troops, which has been rockin' out in the Basrah region to the south, has run into increasing problems related to face paint in such extreme temperatures. "We can't fight if our makeup is running into our eyes", said Army spokesman Ricky Carr. "And it's nearly impossible to navigate effectively in that sand while wearing our Kiss Army boots."
The Kiss Army has been credited with little other than rowdiness during it's three years in the region. "They mostly just hang out in their makeup and drink beer in parking lots", said a U.S. military spokesman. "They spend an inordinate amount of time getting ready, but for what I don't know."

The Kiss Army, which has countless thousands of members worldwide, originally entered the region in 2005 after an internet rumor suggested that guitar player/vocalist Paul Stanley had been captured by insurgents.

Obama: My new swear jar proposal should help with deficit

President Obama is trying new, innovative-if not radical-ideas to supplement the burgeoning deficit, and rolled out one on Thursday: Operation Swear Jar. The plan will call for giant swear jars to be placed in every town center across America, and appoints each and every citizen as "deputies of clean language". The cost per swear will range from .05 cents to a quarter. Every American will have immediate authority to document and report any and all swearing. Wall Street types will owe the most per swear, while the lower class will be given a special tax exemption, tax credits and mortgage relief for their foul language.

The President ended his press conference by placing a large fishbowl on the White House lawn before letting fly with a six-expletive sentence. He then reached in his pocket and withdrew $1.50 in quarters before placing them in the bowl. It is rumored that Joe Biden has already ordered staffers to start carrying bags of dimes to each of his meetings in the event that one of his famous tangents takes an ugly turn.

Montecore: "I don't know why I let Roy go. I feel like a loser."

The Tiger community is demanding answers, and Montecore has few to provide. Several years after he attacked Roy Horn, of Siegfried & Roy, on the stage at the Mirage in Las Vegas, the 600 pound Bengal is finally speaking out on the attack and admits that he doesn't know why he didn't finish the job. "I feel like a total loser. I don't know what happened", shrugged the soft spoken cat. "The lights were bright, Roy was wearing a lot of makeup. He was very bitter tasting. I let go for one second to get a better grip and suddenly it was too late."
Roy Horn, according to several tigers we spoke with, is the human equivalent to a three-legged, blind baby antelope stuck in the mud. Tigers the world over are confused and seem to not be buying Montecore's story. A tiger message board on Facebook had the following posts: "He's making excuses. He's making us look bad, plain and simple. Maneaters? How about eating a man if you want to be considered a maneater?" Another simply read: "He's a kitten, not a tiger." A third was more cynical: "Perhaps he's spoiled and doesn't like German food?"

Friday, February 27, 2009

Gentleman from Wisconsin can't seem to accept Ben Bernanke's beard for what it is: perfect

Ben Bernanke's beard, a complicated financial instrument unto itself, was the topic of a spirited back-and-forth between the FED Chairman and Mr. Ryan, the gentleman from Wisconsin. As the chairman made his semi-annual address before the House, he was peppered with questions on fiscal matters until Mr. Ryan changed the topic to facial hair. "How can a man so much on his plate
find the time to keep such a perfect beard?"
Bernanke responded by blushing and stroking his indomitable chin-mane, before quipping, "It's a gift".
The ranking committee member seemed unsatisfied, posing the follow up, "This is no joke, Mr. Bernanke. How do you explain a flawed financial system in the hands of a man with a perfect beard? The American public is demanding answers! Are you spending all your time grooming your face when you should be fixing this problem?"
Bernanke remained calm, but added authoritatively "The style of beard I wear is called the Chuck Norris Level III Imperial. It takes remarkably little maintenance. " The chairman went on to suggest that his "face forest" is an escape from the rigors of his difficult work schedule.

Desperate Geraldo tries to apply natural disaster type adjectives to economy

The economy has taken center stage over the past six months, leaving Geraldo Rivera with little to talk about. Because his specialty in front line reporting on real life disasters, such as wars and hurricanes, has little relevance in today's tough economic climate, the mustached mega-star has tried with little success to use terms such as "ferocious" and "dastardly" in forum discussions on the economy, but has sounded out of place. The breaking point came on a recent airing of Hannity, during which host Sean Hannity posed the question, "Do you disagree that Obama and the devil have never been seen together?" Geraldo, wearing a bullet proof jacket even though the taping was in studio, responded by saying, "Never take a job where winter winds can blow up your pants".

FOX now has placed Geraldo on 24 hour hurricane watch, with his sole responsibility being constant moderation of the earths geological situation. "We are hoping for a natural disaster. We'll take some tectonic plate shifting at this point", offered one FOX executive. Geraldo, to his credit, has used all the right adjectives when reporting from the front lines of America's toughest situations. He has taken gunfire in war zones from Bosnia ("direful", "noxious") to Iraq ("prickly", "woebegone"), and been swept off his feet by hurricanes close enough to threaten the integrity of his mustache. He once said of Hurricane Katrina, "there is a macabre offishness about this sweltering, grouchy town, hulking largely in its' murky shadows".

Monday, February 23, 2009

Bush on economy: "When life hands you lemmings, you gotta make lemmingade"

Former President George Bush made his first public comments on the economy since leaving office in January, when he appeared uninvited on the set of an Anderson Cooper town hall forum on Anderson Cooper.
Bush, who is widely credited with destroying the economy and way of life for most in the U.S. and the world at large, appeared unfazed by his ironclad legacy. He laughed off criticism with answers that made little or no sense, responding to questions on the financial conditions with answers like "This thaw -- took a while to thaw, it's going to take a while to unthaw", and "I think it was in the Rose Garden where I issued this brilliant statement: If I had a magic wand -- but the president doesn't have a magic wand. You just can't say, 'low gas.'"
Cooper, who had intended to devote the entire hour to having a CNN panel of experts break down his greatness, eventually thanked the President for his time and invited him to remain in the studio audience through the final two segments: "Anderson Cooper, the Pants", and "Anderson Cooper, Hilarious Moments".

Sunday, February 22, 2009

White House provides tips on how to handle recession

The White House is warning people not to be intimidated by the recession, and has issued a series of tips on how to deal with the recession if it effects you. First, the White House suggests that, if you see the recession approaching, you should act "big", and make lots of noise. "Bang pots and pans together or yell loudly, but don't run under any circumstances", the White House says, "because the recession is faster than you and will catch you and eat you." The White House also suggests that people stay out of recession heavy areas, such as the woods and most of Nevada.
If the recession catches you, the best defense is to cover your face with your forearms and feign death.

China agrees to fund U.S. stimulus in exchange for LeBron

China has agreed to buy short-term treasuries in order to help fund the 800 billion dollar stimulus package in exchange for LeBron James, according to published reports. The hoops crazed Chinese made their request after lengthy negotiations, during which the US attempted several lesser packages, including one that would involve a third country and could have sent Shaquille O'Neal to Istanbul. The Chinese, however, were firm in their request and demanded that only the burgeoning superstar would suffice. It is rumored that the Chinese intend to demand that LeBron adheres to a strict schedule of basketball and "making many little Asian LeBron's" in order to better the athleticism of the Chinese national program for years to come.

Monday, February 16, 2009

Joe Biden primetime action drama in works

Joe Biden has been lurking in the shadows so far, as the Obama administration has had to deal with actual issues, but now it has been revealed that he has signed on with FOX to star in an action drama titled "Miami Vice President" that will begin airing on Thursday nights in the spring.

In the show Biden will play a role based on James "Sonny" Crockett, the character Don Johnson made famous in the mid-80's for his cool demeanor, white jacket and t-shirt attire, and lack of perspiration even under the glaring Miami sun. Viewers are to believe that the Vice President works the political scene during the day and then takes his 52 foot Scarab to Miami each evening to fight evil.

It has not been revealed if Biden will take on a partner for the first season, but insiders believe it would be best if he did in order to highlight his incredible ability to lead.

One logistical issue is that producers want to avoid the power of suggestion that comes with being Joe Biden, as recent polls indicate that nearly 88% of Americans want to be Joe Biden, and therefore don't feel it's appropriate to arm him with a handgun. Initial scripts had the Vice President warding off criminals with clever insults, but test audiences were having a hard time finding this "believable". It is now rumored that Biden will take down the bad guys by hurling metal garbage can lids and subdue them with an American flag pin.
Another concern for producers was getting viewers to believe the shows opening, which implies that Biden has made the 1,373 mile boat ride from D.C. to Miami in only three minutes. It seems they have, as early reports rave about the eye-catching imagery of Biden morphing from politician to shirtless vigilante backed by a pulse pounding rendition of Genesis' "Land of Confusion" .

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Congress grills eight bank CEOs over use of bailout funds

The CEOs of most of the major banks were handed a terrible fate on Wednesday, as they were unceremoniously marinated, seasoned and grilled on a Whole Hog Country Smoker, moments after committee head Barney Frank said he would "take great delight in suckling the meat off your bones on behalf of the investment public."
The mass grilling was shocking turnabout, as the CEOs were initially expected to be the subject of harsh criticism at worst. However, many suspected that more was happening when the CEOs had to spend the morning session sitting in giant vats of A-1 Sauce. When the afternoon session reconvened the CEOs were made to walk through a giant sifter that doused them with a mix of salt, black pepper, oregano and thyme. Each CEO was grilled for about 25 minutes per side before being served to an audience of congressional aides and staffers.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009


Aries- Your outspoken campaign against movie theater butter will be cause for great irony this week when you find yourself having to swim through almost a mile of it to reach dry land.

Taurus- You speak often of moving to a different part of the country, and will finally take action this week, even if it's involuntary due to your belt buckle getting caught on the bumper of an 18 wheeler bound for California.

Gemini- Though you don't know it, you're script has fallen into the hands of actual assassins who speak little English and read even less, so yes, you will indirectly be responsible for the birthday-party-clown hostage situation at a YMCA in downtown San Diego, but in real life Steven Segal won't be there to bail you out.

Cancer- You like to joke around that your the "last one they should ask" about the economy, but as it turns out they've asked everybody else, so the floor is yours.

Leo- Your love of horses will finally supersede your ability to think logically this week when you decide to rob a bank but forgo a getaway car for an elderly Clydesdale.

Virgo- By this time next week you'll have replaced President Obama as the most recognized man in America, as every man, woman and child will be searching for you with picks and torches.

Libra- You will be called to testify before the House Ways and Means Committee this week, which will go as expected until the Senator from Wisconsin asks a well crafted question that exposes you as knowing nothing on either Ways or Means.

Scorpio- Your friends have always told you that people rip off your ideas because imitation is the greatest form of flattery, which has comforted you until this week when you are introduced for the first time to imitation crab meat.

Sagittarius- Just a little tip for next time: If you need to imagine your audience naked in order to calm down that's fine, but we'd suggest that you yourself wear more than socks.

Capricorn- The only thing standing between you and the new iPhone is a lack of money, no job, a floundering economy in the midst of a recession, your wife and three mall security guards. We say go for it.

Aquarius- Your theory that a good enough dancer can actually alter the beat of the music will be proven completely and unequivocally wrong this week, and unfortunately it will be in front of millions of people and it won't be pretty.

Pisces- Your love for camping will become your legacy, if you want to consider being called the "Campground Killer" a legacy.

Obama introduces "Stimulus Bill", economic mascot

President Obama unveiled a mascot for the new economic plan, appropriately nicknamed "Stimulus Bill", in what critics are calling a "slap in the face of educated America". The President suggested that Stimulus Bill will appear around the country, at banks, malls and other places of commerce "actively urging the American public to spend their money as fast as possible."

The character, as seen in this photo which accompanied the official White House press release on the subject, will be the "face of the new American economy", according to the President. Sceptics are calling it a gimmick.
Stimulus Bill is set to make his first public appearance at the Mall of America in Minneapolis sometime next week, and will be appearing in the background at every upcoming Stimulus related press conference. He will report directly to Tim Geithner, Secretary of the Treasury.

Thursday, February 5, 2009

Furious Yankee Fans Spend Their Last $22 On Joe Torre's Tell-All Book

Greg LaVerde has no job, no way to pay his rent and a pending late charge on most of his utility bills. Yet yesterday he awoke at 4 a.m. to be one of the first on line at the Barnes & Noble in Huntington, Long Island, clutching firmly in his hand his last $22. "The book is $21.95", said the 31 year old former kick-boxing instructor. "I hope there isn't any tax", he added.

LaVerde was one of hundreds that spent most of their day holding onto the faint hope that they'd get to Torre in the one hour he would actually be at the store signing copies of "The Yankee Years", a tell-all with scalding commentary on the likes of Yankee G.M. Brian Cashman, and All-Star Alex Rodriguez. In the book Torre implies that A-Rod is madly in love with Derek Jeter and purposely tries to run into him when they're both chasing pop-ups.
Torre also reveals that slugger Jason Giambi is "as dumb as you think, and then some", and that Cashman was "usually drunk".

Torre also adds that outfielder Johnny Damon "throws like a young girl from another country", and is "just as good an outfielder as Mickey Mantle--that's Mickey Mantle now!"

Yankee fans are unilaterally disappointed and annoyed at Torre for his attack on his former team, and are showing their anger by forking over millions of dollars on his book. "There is no better way to let Joe know that he's classless than to buy his book and read it", added Bill Callahan, a lifelong Yankee fan. "I think he's a bum and I'm going to show him how I feel by giving him the money I was going to use to buy my kids dinner."

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Recession Due To Poor Economy: Study

The results of a much anticipated 30 million dollar study that took six months and included nearly 200,000 surveys have been released. The findings, which were detailed in a press release late Tuesday, points to a poor economy as the fundamental cause of the recession. The conclusion is based on money playing a key role in spending, and a lack of spending playing a key role in the recession. The recession, which most agree is due to a shortage of money, would not be occurring if the economy was healthy and thriving. The study also found that businesses are not doing well. This, they add, ties into the lack of spending, the shortage of money and the poor economy in general.

Monday, February 2, 2009

Obama Still Has Done Less In 13 Days Than Bush Did In 8 Years

Former President Bush likes to tell people that he accomplished "10 things" while in the White House over the past 8 years, but in reality he is officially credited with doing 7 things. Obama, despite working around the clock, has only managed to accomplish 5 things thus far, according to White House spokesman Scott McClellan, despite most of 13 days to get more done.

"The President plans to do a lot more things, things of all different variety. Things that his predecessor didn't dare", offered McClellan in his morning briefing. When pressed on what types of things specifically the President was planning on doing, McClellan became dodgy and elusive, at one point ducking behind the podium and pretending to be fighting off an angry dog.

Bush is famous for crediting himself with things he had nothing to do with, and still seems to be in denial about the real number of things he did have a hand in. "I did 10 things, plain and simple", Bush said in November in a sit down with Matt Lauer. "Remember that thing over in Turkey? That was me." Bush added.

Friday, January 30, 2009

BREAKING: Congress Questions Joe Biden Earmarks In Bailout Package

Barack Obama is getting hit with hard questions from Republicans and even some Democrats as the specifics of his bailout package are slowly unveiled, most recently coming under fire for several Joe Biden related earmarks. The first, which is termed "Operation Fantastic", calls for 25 million dollars to go solely towards maintaining the Vice President's "incredible smile".
Another calls for 7 million to go exclusively towards "meeting the ever changing demands of the Vice President's wardrobe".
Another $500,000 is to be spent on "the research and development of a possible cure for the Vice President's ceaseless chuckling and unusual habit of biting staffers".

Thursday, January 22, 2009

Spring Television Lineup Revealed

The following shows will be making their debuts in the spring, according to the latest issue of TV Guide.

"24-7-11" Jack Bauer spends a drug-and-paranoia-fueled week inside a convenience store, killing several customers and taking seven donuts hostage.

"CSI-OBAMA" The team will be faced with the unenviable task of figuring out a way to get DNA from the President in order to establish an explanation for his terrible dancing.

"MAN VS WILD, PAULA ABDUL'S HEAD" Bear Grylls will be dropped into the vast, vacant landscape that is the inside of Paula Abdul's head, and will have only four days to figure a way out.

"FLOST" Tom Arnold stars as a man who thinks he's survived a plane crash and is obsessed with dental floss. The two quirky afflictions come to a sudden head in the pivotal episode three, when he cleans the teeth of an elderly man at the barbershop who turns out to be his father.

"TWO AND A HALF BIDEN'S" Two guys who look a lot like Joe Biden and a midget who also looks a lot like Joe Biden amazingly become roommates by complete coincidence when they all answer the same ad.

Obama: When Do I get Paid?

Barack Obama shocked staffers by personally calling the State Department Human Resources Division to ask when he would be issued his first paycheck, and suggested that anything that could be done to expedite the process would be "great". Our sources indicate that Obama asked if there is any sort of "cash advance" option, to which he was informed there was not. The new President then asked if there was a check-cashing location within walking distance of the White House.

Obama Has First White House Bowel Movement

A dazed and exhausted Barack Obama, as seen in this picture, reportedly spent the better part of his first day in office in the executive washroom relieving himself of 10 Inaugural Ball's worth of appetizers and cake, resulting in a stench that insiders are calling "not so presidential".
Obama exited the West Wing restroom with a cigarette dangling from his mouth, along with a noticable accumulation of brow sweat. He asked a congressional aid for "some spray or something", but then left quickly for a meeting with his staff.
Michelle Obama is rumored to have moved her bowels just minutes after the new first family arrived, but sources are unable to confirm this as fact; Obama, however, left no doubt. "Let's just say that we've got all the windows open and it's 10 degrees outside", offered one member of the house staff.

Monday, January 19, 2009

Passengers Of Flight 1549 Only Earn 4 Frequent Flyer Miles

Passengers of US Airways flight 1549 were surprised to hear that the company was only rewarding them with 4 frequent flyer miles after their failing plane landed miraculously in the Hudson River last week. The company issued a brief statement which explained that "It is US Airways policy to reward travelers for exact mileage travelled. The passengers in question travelled 4 miles."

President-Elect Meets With President-Erect

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Consumer Confidence Hits All-Time Low As Only Seven Items Are Sold In December

A stunning consumer confidence report indicates that only 7 items were purchased country-wide in December, causing retailers to take a serious look at reducing prices even further, in some cases into negative net gain territory. One shoe store chain in Indiana, PediLand, is now selling shoes for -$7.99. We spoke with one confused customer who was leaving the store with three new pairs of sneakers and $23.97. A pizzeria owner in Baltimore was arrested recently for throwing slices of pizza at passing cars. Large electronic retailers have become so desperate that in some cases are taking hostages. Circuit City has built an entire ad campaign to target one audience: Somali Pirates.

The seven items sold in December ranged from a calender, purchased by Missy Thompson of Searcy, Arkansas, to a toaster purchased by Edward Rhodel from a Costco in St. Louis, and ended with a copy of a paperback Tom Clancy at the Los Angeles Airport by a man who paid in cash and wished to remain anonymous.

Monday, January 5, 2009

Antagonism: One man's quest to bring it back

I am an antagonist. I know that because I am told so constantly, most recently by a man with whom I was fighting in a parking lot.
"You are quite the antagonist", he suggested.

"And you were clearly put on this earth to give my fists something to do", I replied.

Let's be clear about this: Antagonism is a lost art, dead in fact, if one is to recall the golden years of antagonism, 1982-1985. During these days of glory it was one bone of contention after another, spurred by the arrival of hair-band rock and cheap wine. People would fight over parking spots, doctor appointments and the front of the communion line. Even Ronald Reagan was an antagonist, highlighted by his famous line towards Gorbachev: "Mr. Gorbachev, tear down that wall or I'll be there to do it myself". What wall? Who cares! Just tear it down.

The Webster Dictionary defines antagonist as: one that contends with or opposes another; I personally think somebody needs to set those dictionary folks straight. An antagonist is one who wants to get their way and does so by sheer force of will. My will is greater than yours. Look at me, and soon you'll be cowering in the corner of your shower, with hot water washing over you for hours in the hopes that the coward will wash off. It won't.

Plaxico: "My leg is the criminal"

Plaxico Burress has assigned blame for his ill-timed, self-inflicted gunshot wound to his right leg on his leg.

"I was minding my own business when my leg, aka Harris Smith, attacked me", Burress told a group of reporters. "My leg is the criminal. It attacked me in a cowardly manner. What am I to do? Do you think I wanted to shoot my own leg?"

When it was suggested that Burress ultimately has control over the movements of his leg he responded by asking, "Would you say the same thing about the seven toes of mine that attacked me last week in the shower?"