Friday, July 8, 2011
Yankee fans declare Derek Jeter's quest for 3000 hits far more important than Columbus' quest to find America
Yankee fans are positively giddy over Derek Jeter's rapidly approaching 3000 hit milestone, and have declared it "far more important" than Columbus' discovery of America, and "way better" than the Jonas Salk's 1952 breakthrough Polio vaccine. "Polio? What's that?" declared a Yankee fan. "I know the Dodgers used to play in the Polio Grounds". The Yankee fan then traded high-fives with another Yankee fan, both happy to know that they were better than everybody else.
President Obama has declared Jeter's 3000th hit, presumed to be a weak ground ball that somehow manages to evade several infielders, a "great day for America", and places the event somewhere between the invention of the drum and the Archimedes screw in terms of importance to mankind.
The hit is projected to lower the unemployment rate from 9.2 to 9.1, and should provide a boost to a flailing US economy. The much coveted ball will purportedly be placed in an RPG and fired at an unnamed terrorist, thus making Derek Jeter even more awesome than previously thought possible.
Jeter plans to celebrate the accomplishment by moving Africa just "a little closer" to his home in Tampa, Florida.