Friday, January 30, 2009

BREAKING: Congress Questions Joe Biden Earmarks In Bailout Package

Barack Obama is getting hit with hard questions from Republicans and even some Democrats as the specifics of his bailout package are slowly unveiled, most recently coming under fire for several Joe Biden related earmarks. The first, which is termed "Operation Fantastic", calls for 25 million dollars to go solely towards maintaining the Vice President's "incredible smile".
Another calls for 7 million to go exclusively towards "meeting the ever changing demands of the Vice President's wardrobe".
Another $500,000 is to be spent on "the research and development of a possible cure for the Vice President's ceaseless chuckling and unusual habit of biting staffers".

Thursday, January 22, 2009

Spring Television Lineup Revealed

The following shows will be making their debuts in the spring, according to the latest issue of TV Guide.

"24-7-11" Jack Bauer spends a drug-and-paranoia-fueled week inside a convenience store, killing several customers and taking seven donuts hostage.

"CSI-OBAMA" The team will be faced with the unenviable task of figuring out a way to get DNA from the President in order to establish an explanation for his terrible dancing.

"MAN VS WILD, PAULA ABDUL'S HEAD" Bear Grylls will be dropped into the vast, vacant landscape that is the inside of Paula Abdul's head, and will have only four days to figure a way out.

"FLOST" Tom Arnold stars as a man who thinks he's survived a plane crash and is obsessed with dental floss. The two quirky afflictions come to a sudden head in the pivotal episode three, when he cleans the teeth of an elderly man at the barbershop who turns out to be his father.

"TWO AND A HALF BIDEN'S" Two guys who look a lot like Joe Biden and a midget who also looks a lot like Joe Biden amazingly become roommates by complete coincidence when they all answer the same ad.

Obama: When Do I get Paid?

Barack Obama shocked staffers by personally calling the State Department Human Resources Division to ask when he would be issued his first paycheck, and suggested that anything that could be done to expedite the process would be "great". Our sources indicate that Obama asked if there is any sort of "cash advance" option, to which he was informed there was not. The new President then asked if there was a check-cashing location within walking distance of the White House.

Obama Has First White House Bowel Movement

A dazed and exhausted Barack Obama, as seen in this picture, reportedly spent the better part of his first day in office in the executive washroom relieving himself of 10 Inaugural Ball's worth of appetizers and cake, resulting in a stench that insiders are calling "not so presidential".
Obama exited the West Wing restroom with a cigarette dangling from his mouth, along with a noticable accumulation of brow sweat. He asked a congressional aid for "some spray or something", but then left quickly for a meeting with his staff.
Michelle Obama is rumored to have moved her bowels just minutes after the new first family arrived, but sources are unable to confirm this as fact; Obama, however, left no doubt. "Let's just say that we've got all the windows open and it's 10 degrees outside", offered one member of the house staff.

Monday, January 19, 2009

Passengers Of Flight 1549 Only Earn 4 Frequent Flyer Miles

Passengers of US Airways flight 1549 were surprised to hear that the company was only rewarding them with 4 frequent flyer miles after their failing plane landed miraculously in the Hudson River last week. The company issued a brief statement which explained that "It is US Airways policy to reward travelers for exact mileage travelled. The passengers in question travelled 4 miles."

President-Elect Meets With President-Erect

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Consumer Confidence Hits All-Time Low As Only Seven Items Are Sold In December

A stunning consumer confidence report indicates that only 7 items were purchased country-wide in December, causing retailers to take a serious look at reducing prices even further, in some cases into negative net gain territory. One shoe store chain in Indiana, PediLand, is now selling shoes for -$7.99. We spoke with one confused customer who was leaving the store with three new pairs of sneakers and $23.97. A pizzeria owner in Baltimore was arrested recently for throwing slices of pizza at passing cars. Large electronic retailers have become so desperate that in some cases are taking hostages. Circuit City has built an entire ad campaign to target one audience: Somali Pirates.

The seven items sold in December ranged from a calender, purchased by Missy Thompson of Searcy, Arkansas, to a toaster purchased by Edward Rhodel from a Costco in St. Louis, and ended with a copy of a paperback Tom Clancy at the Los Angeles Airport by a man who paid in cash and wished to remain anonymous.

Monday, January 5, 2009

Antagonism: One man's quest to bring it back

I am an antagonist. I know that because I am told so constantly, most recently by a man with whom I was fighting in a parking lot.
"You are quite the antagonist", he suggested.

"And you were clearly put on this earth to give my fists something to do", I replied.

Let's be clear about this: Antagonism is a lost art, dead in fact, if one is to recall the golden years of antagonism, 1982-1985. During these days of glory it was one bone of contention after another, spurred by the arrival of hair-band rock and cheap wine. People would fight over parking spots, doctor appointments and the front of the communion line. Even Ronald Reagan was an antagonist, highlighted by his famous line towards Gorbachev: "Mr. Gorbachev, tear down that wall or I'll be there to do it myself". What wall? Who cares! Just tear it down.

The Webster Dictionary defines antagonist as: one that contends with or opposes another; I personally think somebody needs to set those dictionary folks straight. An antagonist is one who wants to get their way and does so by sheer force of will. My will is greater than yours. Look at me, and soon you'll be cowering in the corner of your shower, with hot water washing over you for hours in the hopes that the coward will wash off. It won't.

Plaxico: "My leg is the criminal"

Plaxico Burress has assigned blame for his ill-timed, self-inflicted gunshot wound to his right leg on his leg.

"I was minding my own business when my leg, aka Harris Smith, attacked me", Burress told a group of reporters. "My leg is the criminal. It attacked me in a cowardly manner. What am I to do? Do you think I wanted to shoot my own leg?"

When it was suggested that Burress ultimately has control over the movements of his leg he responded by asking, "Would you say the same thing about the seven toes of mine that attacked me last week in the shower?"