Thursday, April 30, 2009

Obama offers heartfelt apology to Pig Americans

Obama extended an olive branch to what he called a "nation of grieving, downtrodden Pig Americans", calling the swine flu an unfair mischaracterization of what "pigs are all about" during his 100th day address to the media. He implored people to refer to pig's as "Pig Americans", not just pigs, because "they share in our grief and suffering." Obama offered a reminder that the swine flu would have been "handled and dealt with by those in the pig world if not for our unfortunate meddling in their business," adding, "Remember, people pet pigs. Pigs don't pet people."
He suggested that the government would do all it could to remediate the much maligned pig population through, ironically, a bill that he vowed will be "stuffed with and for pork".
Obama also suggested that Pig Americans will be included in his sweeping health care reform agenda, maintaining the position that "no American should go without healthcare--and that includes Pig Americans".

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Miss Piggy denies she and Matt Lauer had anything to do with swine flu

Miss Piggy's role as the only known English speaking pig became an unenviable one this week as a shadow was cast across the swine world after a swine flu outbreak. Most shockingly, Miss Piggy recently kissed Matt Lauer on national TV, and pig-kissing is the surest way to get the swine flu. Lauer and Piggy both deny any involvement, with Lauer's people trying to justify the move by claiming Piggy "isn't a real pig". Miss Piggy's people replied to the statement in a brief email that simply read, "Matt certainly seemed to think she was real when he called her 31 times after the taping."
Most epidemic experts believe that a Mexican pig was responsible for the outbreak. They have determined this by interviewing other Mexican pigs, and they keep pointing at one pig in particular. Most epidemic experts also caution that you should take their findings with a grain of salt, because technically most epidemic experts are dead.

Monday, April 27, 2009

Craig Listkillar wishes people would stop confusing him with that other guy

Criag Listkillar would like to be able to introduce himself at a party, but these days that's not easy. "People run away, sometimes they scream. It's really frustrating," offered the 52 year old H-Vac systems installer. "I recently had to fill out a deposit slip at the bank, and the teller hit the silent alarm. The cops brought me into the station asking for a confession, and all I could explain to them was that my name doesn't mean I did anything." Of course Listkillar is happy that the real Craigslist Killer has been caught, but doesn't think the questions will stop anytime soon. "I might have to change my name," he added with a sigh. "When this is all said and done, I'm always going to get that reaction. I have to wear a name tag for my job, can you imagine how customers are going to react?" Listkillar admits that he has already changed his email address and AOL screen name.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Economists pinpoint exact moment the economy turned

It has taken months of charting, but a panel of economists seem to agree unilaterally that the economy peaked at 4:15 p.m, June 23rd, 2005, the exact moment Tom Cruise jumped on Oprah's couch. From this point forth things began to plateau and then turn downwards, eventually plunging the country into a recession. Cruise retired from couch jumping shortly after his rampage on Oprah, but still maintains that he does all his own stunts. The moment was captured on national television when Cruise stunned the audience and Oprah (seen in photo baring her teeth to fend off Cruise) by launching into what he simply called "attack mode". Cruise was promoting his love for actress Katie Holmes, and his upcoming blockbuster, War of the Worlds.
Cruise still finds himself one of Hollywood's leading actors, despite his odd behavior and Lions for Lambs.

Friday, April 17, 2009

Phil Spector found guilty of 2nd degree murder, 1st degree creepiness

Judge Larry Paul Fidler found music legend Phil Spector guilty of two charges on Monday, the initial one for the murder of actress Lana Clarkson six years ago and a second for "Overwhelming Creepiness".
The sentence could put Spector away for life, as he's expected to be handed 25 years for the 2nd degree murder charge and a second 25 years for "creeping out the judge and the entire courtroom from minute one." The sentences cannot be served concurrently, as Judge Fidler ruled that "only criminals should be exposed to this freak of a man."
Spector once seemed normal while writing such classics as "You've Lost that Loving Feeling," "Walking In The Rain," "River Deep, Mountain High," "Just Once In My Life," and "To Know Him Is To Love Him."
He declared his innocence even though the night Clarkson was murdered, Spector was found by his driver holding a gun and stating that he thought he "might have killed somebody."
The troubled legend did little but stare during the trial, prompting judge Fidler to turn his back on the courtroom several times during examination, stating "I can't look at him anymore" on each occasion.
This was the second trial for Spector for the charge of murder, the 1st rendering no verdict as the jury couldn't agree on whether or not they could even go back out and look at Spector for another five minutes. The judge in that case has been put on temporary disability, and suffers from panic attacks anytime he sees a middle aged women with curly hair.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Tom Arnold introduces Tom Arnold flavored salsa

Tom Arnold launched a nationwide tour to promote his new Tom Arnold flavored salsa on Tuesday, meeting with about 30 fans outside the Tallahassee regional airport. He described the salsa as "hilarious", adding that it's "like having six more guys at the party." The actor is said to be struggling with his finances as movie roles have dried up like old pasta in the Texas sun. The official press release from the company bottling the salsa explains that there is a "little bit of Tom in every jar, and that's what makes it so spicy!"