Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Umpire Farts On Mets Manager

Calling it a combination of heat stroke and a grueling travel schedule, Major League Baseball issued an apology to the Mets and their manager, Charlie Manuel, after umpire Joe Werth inexplicably struck an awkward pose and ripped wind onto the leg of Manuel. The Mets manager, who is widely known for his zen-like approach to life, issued a comment through the Mets' that read, "I have known Joe for a long time. This is a very disturbing situation, and I will do my best to put this behind me."



Friday, August 15, 2008

Kobe Bryant, LeBron James Sent To Georgia To Fend off Russians

Calling it his "all-time greatest ally-oop", Lebron James went from All-World forward to Georgian Tank Commander in just a few hours, as a desperate Condoleeza Rice called in the two NBA greats to see if they could have the same effect on the burgeoning conflict as they've had on team USA's basketball team. Kobe's presence paid immediate dividends, as he quickly stole a cannon ball and dunked it into the opening at the top of a Russian tank. He then high-fived LeBron, who was throwing bounce passes at the legs of fleeing Russian soldiers.

Michael Phelps To Swim Home From Bejing

Not only is he a phenom, but apparently Michael Phelps is an adventurer as well. After collecting his 6th gold medal of the Olympic games, a gleeful Phelps announced that he would swim from Bejing back to the United States, and why? "Because right now I'm pretty sure I swim faster than most planes fly."
Phelps massive undertaking will not go untelevised, as NBC has announced that they are in negotiation with Phelps to either have Bob Costas ride the swimmers back the entire way, or ride the official NBC dolphin alongside the swimmer.

Judges Fail To Notice Tiny Gymnast On Balance Beam

13 Inch Fee Fi Fo has been overlooked her whole life, but even she was shocked when she was informed that her entire balance beam routine had to be repeated Tuesday night because the judges could not see her. The panel of six judges eventually moved their chairs to within 5 feet of the apparatus, allowing them a clear and unobstructed view of the diminutive Fo. Fo, who is shipped to events in a Pringles can, is the smallest member of the Chinese women's team, which also features Ti Nee Wan, a 19 inch uneven bars specialist. Fo was taken from her family at the age of 2 days and began practicing at 1 week.

Brett Favre Thwarts Bank Robbery, Rescues Kitten

Brett Favre "tested his legs" yesterday by outrunning the 3:34 Long Island Express Train, but it turns out Mr. Favre was running for a reason. The new sensation that is the Jets quarterback was on his way to the Hempstead Wachovia on 2nd Avenue, where a group of armed robbers were in the process of heisting over $500,000. Favre, still wearing his practice jersey, football pants and a helmet, and carrying a bag of practice balls, deftly threw a tight spiral through the front doors of the bank and then used his three remaining footballs to knock out the dangerous trio. He left before police arrived, but was captured on the security cameras. It was later reported that Favre climbed an ancient 130 foot Spruce tree near the Jets complex to rescue a tabby belonging to an elderly resident.

This all came after Favre's second practice as a Jet, during which he broke all Jets career passing records. It has also been reported that he plans to knit uniforms for the entire team, to be ready by opening day. The fabric of choice will be "unknown to mere mortals".
He is also "very close" to figuring out the ingredients in the McDonalds special sauce.
Favre arrived at Jets camp on Monday after a meeting with Mayor Bloomberg during which the Mayor handed him a bag containing 1 Billion dollars in $100 bills.