10) The doctors ended your football career after diagnosing you as the only living human highly allergic to pigskin.
9) The only comparisons you've ever gotten to Joe Montana are that you both drink the same beer.
8) The only shoulder pads that fit you are off a Lane Bryant pants suit.
7) At the combine, the only areas where you scored high marks were snoring and lethargy.
6) Mel Kiper has you rated as the 27,000 best collegiate football player in the country, out of nearly 10,000.
5) The closest you've ever come to getting one of your highlights on SportsCenter is when you drunkenly bit the leg of a member of the Stanford band during a halftime performance.
4) Teams are not looking for players who write "totally afraid of dirt" on their personality questionnaire.
3) Sure, you gained fame as being the only NCAA player to punt in high heels, but apparently the NFL can't see past the gimmick.
2) After several private tryouts, the best feedback you've gotten is, "try to stop eating cookies".
1) Vegas has better odds on Terry Bradshaw beating David Hasselhoff in a Great Hair Contest.
Friday, May 7, 2010
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Greek riots turn ugly as citizens hurl tzatziki sauce, thinly sliced spiced lamb, cucumbers and feta at police
The citizens of Greece are gyro-hurling mad, and the riot police trying to quell the uprising are being blasted with ladles of tzatziki sauce and spiced meat as fast as it can be carved off the rotisserie. The citizens of Greece are protesting the austerity measures imposed by the government. Greece has recently received a bailout from the European Union, but many fear it won't be enough. Diner owners around the United States, in a show of solidarity, have vowed to remain hairy, short and arrogant. An attempt to mobilize a John Travolta led, choreographed dance through the capital called "Euro The One That I Want" has thus far fallen on deaf ears.
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
With a closed bid, Nike pulled off a major advertising coup on Monday when it won exclusive naming rights for the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico. "This is huge", an industry insider said, on condition of anonymity. "This is like the Knicks getting LeBron. This quickly reestablishes Nike's position as a pioneer in the world of advertising."
Nike will move quickly to reap the benefits of their big win. Massive "swoosh" banners, which will be dropped strategically on the spill, are being worked on, along with a giant, metal fitted Nike cap to plug the hole. The cap, in keeping with tradition, will be adjustable.
From now on, all newscasts on the spill will be legally required to call it the "Nike Deepwater Horizon Blowout". Any formal reference to the spill must now include the Nike name.
Nike designers are hurriedly working on a line of spill related workout gear, initially to be called "GushWear", which will include a small oil rig awash in flames patterned over the left breast.
Nike is also rumored to have a hilarious commercial in the works that will include Michael Jordan, Tiger Woods and the oil spill competing at various household chores.
Monday, March 22, 2010
Will Ferrell (Ricky Bobby): ... its Magic Man ... and El Diablo ...
John C. Reilly (Cal Naughton, Jr.): ... what, what's diablo mean?
Will Ferrell: ... its like, its like Spanish for like a fighting chicken ...
John C. Reilly: ... that's awesome ...
Will Ferrell: ... I know ...
John C. Reilly: ... with the claws?
Will Ferrell: ... with the claws ... and the beak ...
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
A high level staffer close to Nancy Pelosi has come forth with shocking allegations, detailing how the Speaker of the House drinks mostly blood, and eats from cadavers while working in her office. The Speaker declined comment, but the staffer was not backing off his story as of yesterday. "She is a ghoul, literally. She preys on human flesh. She hisses at you if you walk by her, and if you get too close she's going to take a bite. She will sometimes hide behind pillars, waiting well into the night for some unsuspecting aide to wander past. When she pounces, it's not pretty. At least it's usually over quickly."
The staffer's name is being withheld at this point, as investigators try to get close enough to discuss the matter with Pelosi without being eaten.
Monday, March 8, 2010
Vice President Biden came out swinging Monday when asked about the lingering recession, comparing it to a "petulant gnat caught up in my periphery", and vowed to "flip every cushion on every White House couch" looking for spare change to help ease the burgeoning federal deficit. The frisky Biden, known mostly for making strange comments at inopportune times, was asked if he was worried that the recession is taking longer to recover from than originally projected. He responded with a classic, trademark index finger jab and thrust, his go-to move, and some strong rhetoric. "I wasn't the one who originally projected anything, and I'll have you know that I took great pleasure in garroting those who made the original projections," Biden said. When asked if he literally meant that he stabbed somebody, Biden simply responded, "You can't figuratively stab someone, at least not where I come from in Pennsylvania."
Photographers were allowed to follow Biden around the White House for a short time, and witnessed the Vice President foraging under cushions in many of the common areas, before he cheerfully announced that he had recovered $1.29 to help pay down the mountain of debt that the federal government is facing.
Monday, March 1, 2010
In these tough times, many are being forced to rethink their career paths. Through exhaustive research, we have found several high paying fields for you to consider.
1) Neurosurgeon- Also known as "brain surgery", Neurosurgery is an important field for one simple reason: Everybody has a brain. The job requires some schooling, but not as much as you'd think; after all, the brain is relatively small and it doesn't take long to figure out which wires lead where. Starting salary: $200,000.
2) Designated Hitter, Major League Baseball- This is an especially unique opportunity for those who have always wanted to play pro baseball, but never had the ability to catch or throw. As a "DH", you don't need to do either. The DH spends most of the game sitting around, while taking a turn with the bat once every 2-3 innings. So if you're good at sitting around and want to make $500,000 or more, what are you waiting for?
3) Joe Biden's Spray Tan Consultant- The VP has an incredible glow, and this must be maintained for at least another two years. The work consists of long hours, but the reward is priceless: you get to watch Mr. Biden shine on TV like a Hawaii sunset. There are technical requirements, such as learning to maneuver the peaks and valleys of the VP's massive forehead under the glare of his 80-watt teeth, but the pay is good: $starting salary, $85,000.
4) Tiger Woods Heckler Spotter- We can assume that Tiger will be back this year, and when he does come back you can be sure the heckler's will be out in force. This is where you come in. Dressed as an actual Tiger, you will be trained to first discourage the heckler from continuing. If they don't adhere to your commands, you will then release a barrage of heckles on the heckler himself, turning what may have been good natured fun into an uncomfortable back-n-forth.
5) Olympic Athlete- As recessions generally last 3-4 years, this is the perfect time to become an Olympic Athlete. You will not need gainful employment until after the next Olympics, as your sponsors will pay your bills, and by the time you retire from international competition the job market will surely have recovered. Though some winter Olympic sporting events do require skill, there are many that don't, such as being one of the middle guys in the four-man bobsled, or doing this.
6) Fund Manager- Simply put, this is the easiest way to become a billionaire. All you have to do is collect massive amounts of funds from corporate investors, buy some stocks, sit back in your awesome, leathery office, smoke a cigar and watch the profits grow. Eventually you sell everything, repay the investors, and pocket the difference. Starting salary: 1 Billion.
7) Florclosurist- We're not sure if there is such a thing, but there should be. With property values on the decline and flower sales on the rise, a true pioneer might consider a foray into this new form of enterprise. Starting salary: Varies.
8) Butter Churner- Are you aware that most of the butter you eat is hand churned? Three months of schooling and an application fee of $75 will get you in the door at your local Butter Churners Union, where you will be well on your way to a rewarding career. Starting salary: $19 per hour.
9) NFL Punter- Go down to the local football field and kick about 50 footballs. If you average 45 yards per kick, you would be ranked as a top 20 NFL punter. There is no formal education needed, just a strong, flexible leg, a love of travel, and a willingness to wear tight pants on Sundays. Starting Salary: $500,000.
10) News Network Panel Discussion Member- It's good TV for the news networks to provide spirited debate amidst their panels, hence the increasing need for panelists. When the same "experts" who debate the Presidential State of the Union address also discuss the earthquake in Haiti, one can surmise that these are not experts at all, but only people capable of talking a lot about a variety of topics. Do you often get accused of talking a lot about a variety of topics? If so, this might be the choice for you. Starting Salary: Varied.
Thursday, February 25, 2010
1) Johnny Weir is the cutest female American figure skater since Tonya Harding.
2) NBC didn't necessarily exploit the death of Georgian luger Nodar Kumaritashvili, but Bob Costas' impeccable pronunciation of his last name has to make one wonder if he didn't know this was coming.
3) The Biathlon contestants should be able to shoot at each other. It would up the ratings.
4) Ice + Koreans = controversy.
5) There are timeouts in Curling. That's insane. That's like me getting up in the middle of the night to go take a nap.
6) Vancouver weather seems better suited for a Fall Olympics.
7) If I was an Olympian, I would find the Slovenians particularly intimidating. However, I'd laugh at the Estonians.
8) The growing feud between the male figure skaters might lead to a good old fashioned bra-snapping fight.
9) Bob Costas is shrinking. How sad to think that one day he'll have to stand on the very chair he now sits in.
10) Dick Button has returned for a unique, in-studio perspective on the figure skating. The segment is called "Sad Old Queen".