Tuesday, June 28, 2011

As Derek Jeter approaches 3000th hit milestone, this Derek Jeter can't even count how many times he's had to say "I'm not that Derek Jeter"

This Derek Jeter isn't exactly sick of being asked about that Derek Jeter, but is admitting that that Derek Jeter's chase for 3000 hits has brought extra attention his way, and it's starting to get old.
"When the other Derek hurt his calf people kept asking me if I was feeling ok. That was a little odd", laments the 47 year old postal clerk from Ithaca, NY, who has only thrown a baseball a few times in his life and prefers fishing and reading to team sports. "I'll be happy when he gets his big hit, then maybe people will stop giving me pep talks and telling me to 'spray the ball to all fields'. I don't even know what that means."
This Derek Jeter has been getting strange looks ever since he unwittingly introduced himself to a group of postal inspectors back in 1996. They laughed and pointed, prompting this Derek Jeter to say, "What?"
Upon realizing the coincidence, that Derek Jeter dismissed the peculiarity of it all. "I just kept saying to myself that this other Derek Jeter will probably be a flash in the pan, maybe he'll be out of baseball in a few weeks."
This Jeter admits that for awhile he formerly introduced himself as the "other Derek Jeter", but realized that he sounded silly. He has tried "DJ", and his middle name "Barry", but his coworkers insist on calling him "The Captain".

Ironically, this Derek Jeter's pension kicks in the same year that Derek Jeter's contract expires. According to the US Census bureau, these are the only two men named Derek Jeter in the country.

Sunday, June 19, 2011

World unrest spreads as violence in Lybia results in hockey riots in Vancouver

The unrest and upheaval that has rippled through the Middle East has apparently spread to Vancouver, as a new generation of hockey fans refused to accept the terms of the NHL's format for deciding a champion. After their home team, the Canucks, lost to the Bruins in an upset in game 7 of the Stanley Cup Finals, the youth of Vancouver took to the streets and torched vehicles that reminded them of Boston. The rabid fans of the team whose name is a derogatory term for all Canadians made no excuses for their actions, showing little remorse as they made their hardline stance with unwavering drunkenness. Tearing down street lights, scuffling with police and a general air of frustration over being Canadian seemed to fuel the events of the night.

Police used batons and dogs on the riotous crowd, who were way to drunk to notice that dogs were biting them. Eventually pepper spray and tear gas was used, but both seemed to deflect harmlessly off the drunker-then-expected throngs.

The riot led to an unusual amount of attention for the NHL, as two of the top ten searches this week on Yahoo were, "What is hockey", and "Barry Melrose vacation recommendations".

In defense of Vancouver, they are still cleaning up from the 2010 Olympics and have not been getting a lot of sleep.

Under section 67-68 of the Criminal Code of Canada, rioting can carry a life sentence. It's these kinds of oppressive laws, ironically, that led to the riot, along with other antiquated heavy-handedness like "Citizens may not publicly remove bandages", "It is illegal to kill a sasquatch", and "You can't drag a dead horse down Yonge Street on a Sunday."

Saturday, June 18, 2011

Yankees to decommission Jorge Posada

Lovable Yankee catcher Jorge Posada, a staple of the Yankees 5 championship teams over the past fifteen years, is too broken down to be considered a viable commodity and will be scrapped for parts, according to a source close to the team. While no decision has been made about direction the team will take with the Posada parts, it is widely believed that young catcher Francisco Cervelli will get Posada's left knee to replace his oft-injured current one. Posada's right arm will most likely be moved over to outfielder Nick Swisher who happens to throw lefty, raising speculation that the team is indeed intent on having the leagues first ambidextrous right fielder. The Yankees famously attempted a similar move with former fan-favorite right fielder Paul O'Neill in 1999, but failed. O'Neill instead became amphibious, and was subject to violent mood swings.
General Manager Brian Cashman refused to answer questions directly related to the decommissioning process, but did seem frustrated when talking to reporters, several times lashing out in response to simple questions. When asked if there were any pro-Posada voices left that tried to save the one time star, Cashman said, "The numbers speak for themselves. If anybody did speak up, I didn't hear it over the roars of my three pet lions."

Posada will be taken apart and moved to storage at some point next week.
"He's not looking to make a big stink", said a friend. "He's a team guy."
Posada is most famous for several big hits, and spending long hours trying to convince anybody who'd listen that his name was really George, not Jorge.
This is the Yankees first attempt at what they term "player enhancement" since they had Alex Rodriguez fitted with the wings of a falcon for a short period during 2008.