Thursday, September 4, 2008

Sarah Palin Shoots Wolf On Stage at RNC

Alaska Governor and avid hunter Sarah Palin shot a wolf in front of 38,000 screaming Republican's yesterday in St. Paul, as the party kicked off day three of its' national convention. The little known Palin, who also announced that she sold her government issued jet on Ebay, paused in mid sentence approximately halfway through her speach to reach below the podium. She removed a .22 caliber rifle with a laser scope just as a confused and frightened looking wolf was released onto the stage approximately 75 feet from the mother of 5. She deftly shouldered the weapon, sighted the animal and fired. The wolf appeared to die instantly. Palin, after pausing to take a drink of water, immediately returned to her speach.

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Networks Still Hoping Levees Will Break

The major news networks are "unilaterally disappointed" about the recent non-disaster in New Orleans, and sources say that CNN, FOX and NBC are all working round the clock on contingency plans ranging from using Katrina footage and claiming it's live, to, in the case of CNN, providing Anderson Cooper with a sledgehammer and note reading, "You know what to do."
"They were sure New Orleans would be underwater," our insider tells us. "They had fitted most of their on site reporters with scuba gear and negro repellent."

Fox News Upgrades Geraldo's Mustache to Category 4

FOX News has announced that it is upgrading Geraldo Rivera's famed mustache to a Category 4, in light of its recent exposure to Hurricane Gustav. The Army Corps of Engineers has sent a team to work on the mustache, in the hopes that they can pin some sort of pattern to its utter ferocity. The mustache, which was once rumored to have single-handedly redirected Hurricane Katrina in 2005, will probably be downgraded later this week when the storm has passed, and Geraldo is placed back in dry storage.

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Umpire Farts On Mets Manager

Calling it a combination of heat stroke and a grueling travel schedule, Major League Baseball issued an apology to the Mets and their manager, Charlie Manuel, after umpire Joe Werth inexplicably struck an awkward pose and ripped wind onto the leg of Manuel. The Mets manager, who is widely known for his zen-like approach to life, issued a comment through the Mets' that read, "I have known Joe for a long time. This is a very disturbing situation, and I will do my best to put this behind me."


Friday, August 15, 2008

Kobe Bryant, LeBron James Sent To Georgia To Fend off Russians

Calling it his "all-time greatest ally-oop", Lebron James went from All-World forward to Georgian Tank Commander in just a few hours, as a desperate Condoleeza Rice called in the two NBA greats to see if they could have the same effect on the burgeoning conflict as they've had on team USA's basketball team. Kobe's presence paid immediate dividends, as he quickly stole a cannon ball and dunked it into the opening at the top of a Russian tank. He then high-fived LeBron, who was throwing bounce passes at the legs of fleeing Russian soldiers.

Michael Phelps To Swim Home From Bejing

Not only is he a phenom, but apparently Michael Phelps is an adventurer as well. After collecting his 6th gold medal of the Olympic games, a gleeful Phelps announced that he would swim from Bejing back to the United States, and why? "Because right now I'm pretty sure I swim faster than most planes fly."
Phelps massive undertaking will not go untelevised, as NBC has announced that they are in negotiation with Phelps to either have Bob Costas ride the swimmers back the entire way, or ride the official NBC dolphin alongside the swimmer.

Judges Fail To Notice Tiny Gymnast On Balance Beam

13 Inch Fee Fi Fo has been overlooked her whole life, but even she was shocked when she was informed that her entire balance beam routine had to be repeated Tuesday night because the judges could not see her. The panel of six judges eventually moved their chairs to within 5 feet of the apparatus, allowing them a clear and unobstructed view of the diminutive Fo. Fo, who is shipped to events in a Pringles can, is the smallest member of the Chinese women's team, which also features Ti Nee Wan, a 19 inch uneven bars specialist. Fo was taken from her family at the age of 2 days and began practicing at 1 week.

Brett Favre Thwarts Bank Robbery, Rescues Kitten

Brett Favre "tested his legs" yesterday by outrunning the 3:34 Long Island Express Train, but it turns out Mr. Favre was running for a reason. The new sensation that is the Jets quarterback was on his way to the Hempstead Wachovia on 2nd Avenue, where a group of armed robbers were in the process of heisting over $500,000. Favre, still wearing his practice jersey, football pants and a helmet, and carrying a bag of practice balls, deftly threw a tight spiral through the front doors of the bank and then used his three remaining footballs to knock out the dangerous trio. He left before police arrived, but was captured on the security cameras. It was later reported that Favre climbed an ancient 130 foot Spruce tree near the Jets complex to rescue a tabby belonging to an elderly resident.

This all came after Favre's second practice as a Jet, during which he broke all Jets career passing records. It has also been reported that he plans to knit uniforms for the entire team, to be ready by opening day. The fabric of choice will be "unknown to mere mortals".
He is also "very close" to figuring out the ingredients in the McDonalds special sauce.
Favre arrived at Jets camp on Monday after a meeting with Mayor Bloomberg during which the Mayor handed him a bag containing 1 Billion dollars in $100 bills.