Tuesday, June 23, 2009

North Korea threatens to halt shipments of delivery men

North Korea is threatening to halt any further shipments of delivery men to the United States in response to accusations that they are carrying weapons on board a ship outside of Shanghai. Delivery men, which are North Korea's largest export, play a critical role in the dissemination of food to the American public, and any halt in the supply chain could cripple the psyche of the already downtrodden general population. It is feared that people, if not able to get their food delivered in a timely manner, will be forced to leave their couches and exit their houses. Many could stop eating altogether. Some secretly believe that the North Korean ruling regime is aware of how necessary the Korean delivery man has become to the western world, and is playing this trump card in order to keep the US from imposing any further on their nuclear aspirations. A recent poll of 100 ordering-out-Americans showed most would do "whatever it takes" to keep the flow of Korean delivery men into the United States, while only 22% said that they'd be "comfortable" accepting food from a delivery person of other origin.

Friday, June 19, 2009

Biden: "If pigs took over the world like the apes did in that movie, I still wouldn't fly to Mexico"

Joe Biden isn't backing down from his hard line stance against the swine flu, and vows to continue to not fly to Mexico even if pigs take over the world and try to "poke and prod me onto the plane with their dirty little hooves", as told to a British reporter in a recent interview. The controversial Vice President/Wedding Singer has taken much criticism from the travel industry in light of his outspoken views against air travel during the swine flu pandemic. "There are swine sneezing on planes", Biden told the incredulous reporter. "And I'm supposed to just sit there and wait for my pretzels? Forget that. I'm outta here. Do you know that for years I used to take my family to Arizona and just tell them it was Mexico? Why don't people start doing stuff like that? That's what this country needs, not great thinkers, better liars." Biden didn't seem concerned that his ramblings could get him in any hot water, and seemed hung up on the notion that somehow the flu could end with pigs ruling the world. On several occasions he referenced a "pig suit", and that "at least they won't be able to open locked doors 'cause they don't have fingers". At one point the interviewer asks Biden if he fears any repercussion from his outlandish remarks, to which he replies, "What are they going to do, socialize me?"
When asked if he felt any remorse over plagiarizing a speech from a member of the British Parliament, he would only offer that "My mistake wasn't stealing the speech. It was trying to use a British accent."