Will Ferrell (Ricky Bobby): ... its Magic Man ... and El Diablo ...

John C. Reilly (Cal Naughton, Jr.): ... what, what's diablo mean?

Will Ferrell: ... its like, its like Spanish for like a fighting chicken ...

John C. Reilly: ... that's awesome ...

Will Ferrell: ... I know ...

John C. Reilly: ... with the claws?

Will Ferrell: ... with the claws ... and the beak ...

Talladega Nights

Nancy Pelosi drinks blood, eats cadavers: Staffer

A high level staffer close to Nancy Pelosi has come forth with shocking allegations, detailing how the Speaker of the House drinks mostly blood, and eats from cadavers while working in her office. The Speaker declined comment, but the staffer was not backing off his story as of yesterday. "She is a ghoul, literally. She preys on human flesh. She hisses at you if you walk by her, and if you get too close she's going to take a bite. She will sometimes hide behind pillars, waiting well into the night for some unsuspecting aide to wander past. When she pounces, it's not pretty. At least it's usually over quickly."
The staffer's name is being withheld at this point, as investigators try to get close enough to discuss the matter with Pelosi without being eaten.

Joe Biden on recession: I'll deal with it

Vice President Biden came out swinging Monday when asked about the lingering recession, comparing it to a "petulant gnat caught up in my periphery", and vowed to "flip every cushion on every White House couch" looking for spare change to help ease the burgeoning federal deficit. The frisky Biden, known mostly for making strange comments at inopportune times, was asked if he was worried that the recession is taking longer to recover from than originally projected. He responded with a classic, trademark index finger jab and thrust, his go-to move, and some strong rhetoric. "I wasn't the one who originally projected anything, and I'll have you know that I took great pleasure in garroting those who made the original projections," Biden said. When asked if he literally meant that he stabbed somebody, Biden simply responded, "You can't figuratively stab someone, at least not where I come from in Pennsylvania."

Photographers were allowed to follow Biden around the White House for a short time, and witnessed the Vice President foraging under cushions in many of the common areas, before he cheerfully announced that he had recovered $1.29 to help pay down the mountain of debt that the federal government is facing.

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The Job Hunt

In these tough times, many are being forced to rethink their career paths. Through exhaustive research, we have found several high paying fields for you to consider.

1) Neurosurgeon- Also known as "brain surgery", Neurosurgery is an important field for one simple reason: Everybody has a brain. The job requires some schooling, but not as much as you'd think; after all, the brain is relatively small and it doesn't take long to figure out which wires lead where. Starting salary: $200,000.

2) Designated Hitter, Major League Baseball- This is an especially unique opportunity for those who have always wanted to play pro baseball, but never had the ability to catch or throw. As a "DH", you don't need to do either. The DH spends most of the game sitting around, while taking a turn with the bat once every 2-3 innings. So if you're good at sitting around and want to make $500,000 or more, what are you waiting for?

3) Joe Biden's Spray Tan Consultant- The VP has an incredible glow, and this must be maintained for at least another two years. The work consists of long hours, but the reward is priceless: you get to watch Mr. Biden shine on TV like a Hawaii sunset. There are technical requirements, such as learning to maneuver the peaks and valleys of the VP's massive forehead under the glare of his 80-watt teeth, but the pay is good: $starting salary, $85,000.

4) Tiger Woods Heckler Spotter- We can assume that Tiger will be back this year, and when he does come back you can be sure the heckler's will be out in force. This is where you come in. Dressed as an actual Tiger, you will be trained to first discourage the heckler from continuing. If they don't adhere to your commands, you will then release a barrage of heckles on the heckler himself, turning what may have been good natured fun into an uncomfortable back-n-forth.

5) Olympic Athlete- As recessions generally last 3-4 years, this is the perfect time to become an Olympic Athlete. You will not need gainful employment until after the next Olympics, as your sponsors will pay your bills, and by the time you retire from international competition the job market will surely have recovered. Though some winter Olympic sporting events do require skill, there are many that don't, such as being one of the middle guys in the four-man bobsled, or doing this.

6) Fund Manager- Simply put, this is the easiest way to become a billionaire. All you have to do is collect massive amounts of funds from corporate investors, buy some stocks, sit back in your awesome, leathery office, smoke a cigar and watch the profits grow. Eventually you sell everything, repay the investors, and pocket the difference. Starting salary: 1 Billion.

7) Florclosurist- We're not sure if there is such a thing, but there should be. With property values on the decline and flower sales on the rise, a true pioneer might consider a foray into this new form of enterprise. Starting salary: Varies.

8) Butter Churner- Are you aware that most of the butter you eat is hand churned? Three months of schooling and an application fee of $75 will get you in the door at your local Butter Churners Union, where you will be well on your way to a rewarding career. Starting salary: $19 per hour.

9) NFL Punter- Go down to the local football field and kick about 50 footballs. If you average 45 yards per kick, you would be ranked as a top 20 NFL punter. There is no formal education needed, just a strong, flexible leg, a love of travel, and a willingness to wear tight pants on Sundays. Starting Salary: $500,000.

10) News Network Panel Discussion Member- It's good TV for the news networks to provide spirited debate amidst their panels, hence the increasing need for panelists. When the same "experts" who debate the Presidential State of the Union address also discuss the earthquake in Haiti, one can surmise that these are not experts at all, but only people capable of talking a lot about a variety of topics. Do you often get accused of talking a lot about a variety of topics? If so, this might be the choice for you. Starting Salary: Varied.

Olympic Thoughts

1) Johnny Weir is the cutest female American figure skater since Tonya Harding.

2) NBC didn't necessarily exploit the death of Georgian luger Nodar Kumaritashvili, but Bob Costas' impeccable pronunciation of his last name has to make one wonder if he didn't know this was coming.

3) The Biathlon contestants should be able to shoot at each other. It would up the ratings.

4) Ice + Koreans = controversy.

5) There are timeouts in Curling. That's insane. That's like me getting up in the middle of the night to go take a nap.

6) Vancouver weather seems better suited for a Fall Olympics.

7) If I was an Olympian, I would find the Slovenians particularly intimidating. However, I'd laugh at the Estonians.

8) The growing feud between the male figure skaters might lead to a good old fashioned bra-snapping fight.

9) Bob Costas is shrinking. How sad to think that one day he'll have to stand on the very chair he now sits in.

10) Dick Button has returned for a unique, in-studio perspective on the figure skating. The segment is called "Sad Old Queen".

Tom Cruise has perfected a cologne that will help with the recovery

Tom Cruise is about to change the world once again, this time with a cologne that will "curb the rising tide of destitution in America", according to a press release. The cologne, "Tom Cruise-Crazy!" is, according to Cruise, "A way out for America, a way out of this crisis. This cologne captures the essence of our crisis in a scent. To do that, I had to scrape some of the scales of an alien at the Intergalactic Annual Ball. We mixed that up with some of my sweat, a pinch of my dazzle. But it was worth it."

Cruise goes on to imply that the very scent of the cologne will bring about immediate wealth. "Crazy! will make you realize that there really is money in your wallet."

Cruise also detailed his plan for the "Great American Recovery", starting with each American spraying "liberal amounts of Crazy! all over themselves. We also ask that you gargle with it after each meal."

Tom Cruise-Crazy! will hit the shelves in time for Christmas. Insiders suggest that supplies might be limited, due mostly to the limited supply of Cruise sweat, but Tom has vowed to his team that he will produce "as much sweat as necessary," scoffing that "Thetan 7's never run out of sweat."

Book Starters

The hardest part of writing a book is the first line, according to most authors. We have eliminated the dirty work, providing you with a few opening sentences to kick start your book.

1) The Armenian had thick legs, and a brow sweat that could quench a village, but his temper was legendary. So was his potato salad.

2) People laughed at me for eating hamburgers for breakfast, but not mom. As a matter of fact, it was her idea.

3) Most people lived in this part of the world so they could enjoy the sunrise over the ocean, but not Steve. He liked watching the moonrise over the trees.

4) The ball caromed off the bat, floating aimlessly towards a small group of onlookers. Years later we would come to ask ourselves, "was it really aimless?"

5) The door flung open, revealing it's pusher.

6) We wrestled nearly thirty lemons into the small, worn satchel; ingredients necessary for Grandma Margaret's legendary picnic lemonade. And off we were! But I forgot the satchel, and was made to sleep on a bed of lemons for most of my childhood.

7) The mountains stretched beyond a vast sea of treetops. Just beyond that was where we needed to go. "We should just drive," I suggested. All agreed so we hopped in the car, me and the other rabbits.

8) Ron and Pablo were just a couple of local kids who they loved to eat liverwurst sandwiches, and play ball in the street. That's how we came to rob the Mitchell farm.

9) Bullets flew, and I began to chuckle, "because what else are they going to do?", I whispered to nobody in particular.

10) The meeting was set to adjourn at 11 a.m., and my contact would be carrying a black briefcase. He appeared at 11 a.m. as expected, but I was nowhere to be found.

11) Rain threatened, like a neighborhood bully crouching just beyond the hedges.

12) Blood was everywhere. And this wasn't the type of house where things like that went unnoticed.

John Walsh to host America's Most Wanted Hair

For years John Walsh has helped to capture some of America's most hardened criminals, and now he's ready to reveal the secret behind his amazing hair in a new FOX show set to debut in the spring. The show will be much like his long running hit, "America's Most Wanted", except that the focus will be on hair instead of criminals. For years viewers of AMW have been captivated by the subtle changes in the coif of Walsh, spawning internet banter, message boards, and cover bands ("Coif Of Walsh").

Walsh was the guest speaker last year at the National Hair Society's Symposium on Great Hair. His hair related credentials are too many to list.

Last Minute Costume Ideas

With Halloween upon us, many are scrambling for last minute costume ideas. Here are a few that will assure you Legend Status at the neighbors party.

1) Anatomically-Correct-Asian-Bear-Squirrel: The costume does all the work, it's just up to you to maintain the pose.

2) Cornucopia Of Awesomeness : Because you're NOT just another guy who loves his music and guns.

3) Walk A Mile In My Boots: Just be prepared to say "No, I'm not really him" for most of the night.

4) Silly Kitty: Our only recommendation on this one is that you forgo the hand puppet part--it's way too distracting.

5) 100% Real Man: Think William Wallace meets Spartacus.

6) Livin' The Dream: People will love it, and say things like, "The two of you are up to no good!"

7) We Know It's You, Steve: If you have a dog, send him as you. They'll never know.