Friday, May 7, 2010

Top 10 signs your name isn't going to be called at the NFL draft

10) The doctors ended your football career after diagnosing you as the only living human highly allergic to pigskin.

9) The only comparisons you've ever gotten to Joe Montana are that you both drink the same beer.

8) The only shoulder pads that fit you are off a Lane Bryant pants suit.

7) At the combine, the only areas where you scored high marks were snoring and lethargy.

6) Mel Kiper has you rated as the 27,000 best collegiate football player in the country, out of nearly 10,000.

5) The closest you've ever come to getting one of your highlights on SportsCenter is when you drunkenly bit the leg of a member of the Stanford band during a halftime performance.

4) Teams are not looking for players who write "totally afraid of dirt" on their personality questionnaire.

3) Sure, you gained fame as being the only NCAA player to punt in high heels, but apparently the NFL can't see past the gimmick.

2) After several private tryouts, the best feedback you've gotten is, "try to stop eating cookies".

1) Vegas has better odds on Terry Bradshaw beating David Hasselhoff in a Great Hair Contest.

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Slow day in Oregon

At least he befriended them first!

Greek riots turn ugly as citizens hurl tzatziki sauce, thinly sliced spiced lamb, cucumbers and feta at police

The citizens of Greece are gyro-hurling mad, and the riot police trying to quell the uprising are being blasted with ladles of tzatziki sauce and spiced meat as fast as it can be carved off the rotisserie. The citizens of Greece are protesting the austerity measures imposed by the government. Greece has recently received a bailout from the European Union, but many fear it won't be enough. Diner owners around the United States, in a show of solidarity, have vowed to remain hairy, short and arrogant. An attempt to mobilize a John Travolta led, choreographed dance through the capital called "Euro The One That I Want" has thus far fallen on deaf ears.

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Nike wins naming rights for Gulf of Mexico oil spill

With a closed bid, Nike pulled off a major advertising coup on Monday when it won exclusive naming rights for the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico. "This is huge", an industry insider said, on condition of anonymity. "This is like the Knicks getting LeBron. This quickly reestablishes Nike's position as a pioneer in the world of advertising."
Nike will move quickly to reap the benefits of their big win. Massive "swoosh" banners, which will be dropped strategically on the spill, are being worked on, along with a giant, metal fitted Nike cap to plug the hole. The cap, in keeping with tradition, will be adjustable.
From now on, all newscasts on the spill will be legally required to call it the "Nike Deepwater Horizon Blowout". Any formal reference to the spill must now include the Nike name.
Nike designers are hurriedly working on a line of spill related workout gear, initially to be called "GushWear", which will include a small oil rig awash in flames patterned over the left breast.
Nike is also rumored to have a hilarious commercial in the works that will include Michael Jordan, Tiger Woods and the oil spill competing at various household chores.