Thursday, September 4, 2008

Sarah Palin Shoots Wolf On Stage at RNC

Alaska Governor and avid hunter Sarah Palin shot a wolf in front of 38,000 screaming Republican's yesterday in St. Paul, as the party kicked off day three of its' national convention. The little known Palin, who also announced that she sold her government issued jet on Ebay, paused in mid sentence approximately halfway through her speach to reach below the podium. She removed a .22 caliber rifle with a laser scope just as a confused and frightened looking wolf was released onto the stage approximately 75 feet from the mother of 5. She deftly shouldered the weapon, sighted the animal and fired. The wolf appeared to die instantly. Palin, after pausing to take a drink of water, immediately returned to her speach.

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Networks Still Hoping Levees Will Break

The major news networks are "unilaterally disappointed" about the recent non-disaster in New Orleans, and sources say that CNN, FOX and NBC are all working round the clock on contingency plans ranging from using Katrina footage and claiming it's live, to, in the case of CNN, providing Anderson Cooper with a sledgehammer and note reading, "You know what to do."
"They were sure New Orleans would be underwater," our insider tells us. "They had fitted most of their on site reporters with scuba gear and negro repellent."

Fox News Upgrades Geraldo's Mustache to Category 4

FOX News has announced that it is upgrading Geraldo Rivera's famed mustache to a Category 4, in light of its recent exposure to Hurricane Gustav. The Army Corps of Engineers has sent a team to work on the mustache, in the hopes that they can pin some sort of pattern to its utter ferocity. The mustache, which was once rumored to have single-handedly redirected Hurricane Katrina in 2005, will probably be downgraded later this week when the storm has passed, and Geraldo is placed back in dry storage.