Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Bin Laden changes Facebook status to "single"

Attention ladies, the world's #1 terrorist is now hoping to become a wanted man in other ways as evidenced by the sudden change in his Facebook status from "married" to "single" on Wednesday. The shocking announcement comes at a time when the shadowy figure has been mostly obscured from the public eye thanks to a strict regiment of cave dwelling, and target practice.
The page offers a fascinating insight into this man awash in terror. For instance, in a post from Monday evening Bin Laden states, "just took advantage of Applebee's 2 for $20 meal all by myself. Too stuffed to even hate". Another entry from two weeks ago reads, "This winter is ponderous. Is March Madness here yet?" Going back into early February there are a string of commentaries that seem to indicate that he was heavily involved in NFL playoff betting. He states in two separate posts, from the Monday morning's after the NFC playoffs and Superbowl respectively, "Praise Allah for Kurt Warner and those magnificent hands of the Fitzgerald", and "Who's the infidel in charge of clock management for the Cardinals?"

His "friends" list is comprised of nearly 900 names, and most of the banter in the chat section is of the mundane variety. Some of the comments included "Hey O, thanks for the order from", and "where you bin hiden?", and several referring to "Operation Antelope".

Bin Laden lists his favorite singers (Hasselhoff, Abdul), and suggests that he is open to seeing Bruce.

It is not known what happened to his other marriages, but until yesterday it was believed that he had as many as 4 wives and 25 children.

Friday, March 20, 2009

Inflation forecast sends pants makers scrambling for bigger and better pockets

In ten years, economists predict, a cup of coffee will cost between $35,000 and $40,000. A bag of chips? $17,000. A new car will run between $1-$3,000,000. The consequences of such unprecedented inflation is obvious: where will we carry all that cash? This thought is keeping pants makers up at night as they explore new and innovative pockets that will allow for greater storage. As pants are constituted today, the average American will find that their money will be blowing freely from their current pockets, and will be too worthless to stop and pick up. Calvin Klein is working on a line of jeans called "Poketz", which will be mostly pocket. Jerry Klein, from the National Institute of Pants, says that "Pants as we know them are finished. In ten years you won't even recognize pants. People will be so weighed down with their spending money that the notion of pants as a stylish accoutrement will be absurd; it will all be about functionality. People will demand more pockets, extra pockets, pockets, pockets, pockets."

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Chuck Norris contemplates secession from union

Chuck Norris has had it, and we all should walk a bit quietly around America's legendary roundhouser these days as he is apparently contemplating seceding from the union if things don't change soon. Norris has filed papers in US Courts to be uniquely qualified as a sovereign state on two legs, possessing freedom over his affairs, existence and territory. Norris has requested allowance to roam anywhere within US borders, and really, who's going to say no? The stoic actor/intimidation expert is apparently fed up with the state of the country. Those close to him say that he would prefer to handle the recession and shady politics with his feet, but knows better. His spokesman added, "If Chuck fights the recession all by himself, who's going to handle this problem the next time around if Chuck isn't here? Here's a hypothetical: The country has another financial crisis, and Chuck is overseas negotiating peace between Bosnia and Serbia with his size 11's. What will we do? The point is, we can't rely on this guy to help us out of every problem. First this country got too fat, so Chuck introduced the Total Gym. Then America was screaming for a leader, so Chuck introduced Mike Huckabee. How much can we expect from one man?"
If Norris is granted this special exemption--and he will--he would be required to register a name for his new state and could be granted membership to the general assembly of the United Nations. If he's not granted the membership, he will most likely just show up because there will be little the other 192 countries represented could do to stop him.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

A healthy resume the key to success

The job market is tough, and it's time to spruce up your resume in order to create a memorable experience for the reader. Remember, in a sea of faceless faces it's critical that you stand out. Here are some tips on how to do so:

  • Replace "corroborating witnesses available at judges discretion" with "references available upon request".
  • Tape a piece of your cat's hair to the resume, and write in what it is in pen with an arrow. This will not only show your creative side, but also that you're an animal lover.
  • When you list the duration of your previous jobs, do it in hours. It's way more impressive.
  • Put down that you have experience handling wine-drinking, angry chimpanzees. In this day and age, companies are looking for this.
  • "To Kill in less than three seconds" is definitely an objective, but it might be one you keep off the paper for now.
  • Claim that you insist on parachuting into every sales call, at your own expense.
  • Understand that the reader is probably bored. Feel free to end sentences with "Blah, blah, blah", or "whatever, you get the idea".
  • Add mystery by using pen to cross out random words.
  • Use ketchup to leave what appears to be a bloody fingerprint next to the part of your job history that details your "time in the jungle".
  • Put a positive spin on everything. If you've been beaten up in a bar, put "Recipient of the Fist Award for Softest Face".
  • If you list your goals, obviously include "President of the United States".
  • List your birth and infancy as work experience. It was difficult, take credit for it.
  • Make sure you present yourself as a team player. Include things like "Always honest, unless my boss asks me not to be", or "Knows when to shut up", or "Won't dive out a window when the FEDS are knocking down the door".
  • Personalize things by including a picture of yourself doing something menial but looking really happy.
  • List several Disney characters as references. After all, who doesn't want to hire somebody that knows Cinderella?

"For Sale" & "Going Out Of Business!" sign sales could be key to U.S. recovery

The University of Michigan has completed a research study which indicates that most of those currently unemployed should be able to find work in a sign factory, as demand for "Going Out Of Business!", "Everything Must Go!" and "For Sale" signs continues to see unprecedented gains. The report stated that "At the current pace nearly every business will have one of these signs in their window, and somebody needs to make the actual signs." The survey included detailed interviews with sign makers who are finding the demand taxing on their workforce. Some complained of an increase in paper cuts, while others suggested that there's little room to show true creativity. However, the consensus was that business will continue to expand rapidly, and that hiring large numbers of new sign makers is a must.

Monday, March 9, 2009

Some moving into tent cities looking for more tent than they can afford

Some of the same Americans who overspent on their homes are now coughing up $99 of their last $100 for a tent when there are plenty of $49 tents available; more greed? Tent salesman Ned Riccio thinks so. The 19 year veteran has seen the market trend towards larger, upscale tents being bought by people with poor credit and not enough income to support such a large tent, and he finds the pattern alarming. "We have people asking for bathrooms, things like granite countertops. I have to explain to these people, 'this is a tent. There's no bathroom, no countertops. It's just got a few zippers'. Then they want the biggest one we have. People with two kids come in and immediately they're looking at the 12-Man Zodiac Deluxe made with a bear repellent Kevlar lining and with built in extension cord storage. And I'm thinking, you live in Florida? Where are the bears?"
If this trend continues, some forecasters see the bottom falling out on the upscale tent market. Economists suggest that tent manufacturers are making too many tents and eventually the tent bubble will burst. A clear sign of the top will be when people are buying second tents in vacation tent cities. One ironic consensus among economists is that, while the tent bubble may burst, the bubble tent industry should thrive due to people seeking additional headroom.

Friday, March 6, 2009

Kiss Army to withdraw 1500 troops from Iraq

The Kiss Army has announced that it will slowly withdraw as many as 1500 troops from Iraq over the next six months. The troops, which has been rockin' out in the Basrah region to the south, has run into increasing problems related to face paint in such extreme temperatures. "We can't fight if our makeup is running into our eyes", said Army spokesman Ricky Carr. "And it's nearly impossible to navigate effectively in that sand while wearing our Kiss Army boots."
The Kiss Army has been credited with little other than rowdiness during it's three years in the region. "They mostly just hang out in their makeup and drink beer in parking lots", said a U.S. military spokesman. "They spend an inordinate amount of time getting ready, but for what I don't know."

The Kiss Army, which has countless thousands of members worldwide, originally entered the region in 2005 after an internet rumor suggested that guitar player/vocalist Paul Stanley had been captured by insurgents.

Obama: My new swear jar proposal should help with deficit

President Obama is trying new, innovative-if not radical-ideas to supplement the burgeoning deficit, and rolled out one on Thursday: Operation Swear Jar. The plan will call for giant swear jars to be placed in every town center across America, and appoints each and every citizen as "deputies of clean language". The cost per swear will range from .05 cents to a quarter. Every American will have immediate authority to document and report any and all swearing. Wall Street types will owe the most per swear, while the lower class will be given a special tax exemption, tax credits and mortgage relief for their foul language.

The President ended his press conference by placing a large fishbowl on the White House lawn before letting fly with a six-expletive sentence. He then reached in his pocket and withdrew $1.50 in quarters before placing them in the bowl. It is rumored that Joe Biden has already ordered staffers to start carrying bags of dimes to each of his meetings in the event that one of his famous tangents takes an ugly turn.

Montecore: "I don't know why I let Roy go. I feel like a loser."

The Tiger community is demanding answers, and Montecore has few to provide. Several years after he attacked Roy Horn, of Siegfried & Roy, on the stage at the Mirage in Las Vegas, the 600 pound Bengal is finally speaking out on the attack and admits that he doesn't know why he didn't finish the job. "I feel like a total loser. I don't know what happened", shrugged the soft spoken cat. "The lights were bright, Roy was wearing a lot of makeup. He was very bitter tasting. I let go for one second to get a better grip and suddenly it was too late."
Roy Horn, according to several tigers we spoke with, is the human equivalent to a three-legged, blind baby antelope stuck in the mud. Tigers the world over are confused and seem to not be buying Montecore's story. A tiger message board on Facebook had the following posts: "He's making excuses. He's making us look bad, plain and simple. Maneaters? How about eating a man if you want to be considered a maneater?" Another simply read: "He's a kitten, not a tiger." A third was more cynical: "Perhaps he's spoiled and doesn't like German food?"